American sisters, take note: don’t diss our repressed British blokes. That’s our job

It's been noted that the high priestess of pop chose a fellow American after a marked penchant for British beaux including: the long-term (actor Joe Alwyn, with whom she split in 2023); the fleeting (Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston); and Textbook Rebound Guy, the 1975’s Matt Healy, whom Swift briefly dated after Alwyn.

The feeling, in some quarters, is that Swift has wearied of Brits – with their emotional withholding and their pints – in favour of a big-hearted, all-American guy. But haven’t we been here before, with high-profile American women (Madonna, et al) expecting British men to be contemporary versions of Fitzwilliam Darcy, realising their mistake and returning Stateside in a huff? They go too posh; they presume the banter is a passing phase; the tragic misunderstandings can be as endless as they are culturally embedded.

Now that Swift has “turned”, it’s time to lay down ground rules. American women are welcome to romantically sample our men. However, they’re not allowed to diss them, criticise them, or tell the truth about them. This is the job of British women But our American sisters needn’t worry – cracks knuckles – we’ve got this.

More expert eyes than mine have studied Smith’s video entitled “My favourite part of the tour is seeing you all up close” (now mysteriously removed from his YouTube channel). But even I can spot faces like burnt omelettes, fingers turning into tentacles, and rows of punters eerily swaying like haunted skittles.

It was more likely his team behind the AI gaffe, but still. Smith probably thought that slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars in 2022 (after Rock mocked his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith) was as low as he would ever sink. Yet here he is, fabricating concert fans; surely the celebrity equivalent of buying bot-likes to boost social media posts.

An elegiac poem to fading stardom, but maybe also a logical progression for the entertainment industry. We have holograms performing at the likes of ABBA Voyage, why not hologram audiences? It's cheaper to fake fans, right?

Damaged though some of its contents were, they still felt like a blown kiss from the 90s. Kylie Minogue’s Rhythm Of Love album, but in the silvery CD format (yes, the music industry lied – they did jump – but let’s move on); a selection of coins; a photograph of Diana herself.

Who recalls pocket televisions? How quaint when now series can be streamed on mobile phones. Tree seeds. European passports … Oof. That last one hurt. Time capsules are meant to remind us who we were; maybe some inadvertently remind us who we want to be again.

Photograph by taylorswift/Instagram