Dear Keir: Grown-up advice from everyone’s favourite centrist

Everyone’s gunning for my job, so it’s just as well I have this column to fall back on. Let’s dive headfirst into my metaphorical mailbag…

Dear Keir, my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years, and everything seemed ideal until recently. The other day he threatened to dump me if I keep spending tens of thousands on Pokémon cards. He was like ‘mortgage’ this, ‘loan shark’ that. It’s as though the words “Gotta Catch ’Em All” mean nothing.

I love my boyfriend and can’t imagine life without him. Equally, I’m determined to acquire a shiny Charizard. Should I change my behaviour or plough on regardless?

Shivani, Leamington Spa

Relationships are difficult, Shivani, whether between romantic partners or a prime minister and his electorate. Sometimes people say one thing and mean another. For instance, voters in Runcorn and Helsby repeatedly said they won’t support Labour because we’re cutting winter fuel payments and PIP. What they really meant was that they love the cuts and want us to go further and faster.

To win your boyfriend round, I recommend going “further and faster” in your own situation. Buy more Pokémon cards. Don’t stop until you’ve collected the rarest specimens, from Kangaskhan to Umbreon to Lickilicky. He’ll come to respect your resolve and realise he was wrong. Plus, he definitely won’t leave you for Nigel Farage.

Dear Keir, I’m going through a tough time at work, which has resulted in emotional eating. My daily consumption of Toblerones, Twixes and Kinder Buenos is causing the number on my digital scale to creep upwards. You’re no stranger to stressful environments – how do you stay in such good shape?

Martyn, Cheadle Hulme

Thanks, Martyn. I attribute my famed “Starmer bod’” to weekly five-a-side and strict dietary discipline. I eat the same lunch every day: a tuna sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps, a bottle of still water (never sparkling – I’m not a rock’n’roll star). It helps that I was vegetarian for decades, on moral and health grounds. Now I’m pescatarian – a sort of food centrist – though this may change. Focus groups suggest swing voters regard the non-carnivore as weak, leftwing and unpatriotic. If red meat helps in the red wall, pass the veal cutlets!

Anyway, I hope you’re able to shed the pounds, for your own sake and for my book-balancing efforts. After all, obesity costs the NHS over £6.5bn a year. If you’re thinking of going back for seconds, just picture Wes Streeting’s disappointed face. That’s a cheaper and more effective appetite suppressant than Ozempic.

Dear Keir, I’ll keep this vague, partly for security reasons, partly because I hate publicity of any kind. Suffice it to say, I belong to one of Britain’s most prominent families, from which I became estranged after marrying an American actress (and brilliant entrepreneur!).

My problem is one I’m sure many of your readers have faced. I used to get round-the-clock police protection on the taxpayer’s dime, but now I’m told I need to pay for my own bodyguards. The whole thing’s an establishment stitch-up, possibly involving my father, the king. Relatable AF, right?

I want to reconcile with my family, of course. I have tried the obvious stuff: taking them to court, airing my grievances in interviews, publishing a memoir about how they’re all emotionally stunted, inbred racists. None of it seems to have worked. There’s also a danger the public bores of my moaning (I have even been called the second worst interviewee in the family).

Meanwhile, I contend with the demonic pond life that is the British press. They depict me as a whiny nepo baby. I may have grown up in comfort, but I’m not entitled. Except for my titles –Duke of Sussex, Earl of Dumbarton, Baron Kilkeel, etc. Vibes-wise, I’m basically lower middle class.

Anonymous, Montecito

PS I realise I didn’t ask a question, so passionate was I about injustice. What I want to know is: how can one mend one’s relationship with Pa?

Hi, Harry, thanks for the (possibly ghostwritten) email. I’m sorry to hear about your daddy issues. I had a normal relationship with my dad, who was a toolmaker. Still, I know exactly how you can sort things out. Unfortunately, due to the length of your message we’ve run out of space. Until next week, stay prudent, stay forensic, stay Keir!

Keir xxx

As told to Lucien Young