Dear Keir: Honest, reliable, sharp-witted, meet my AI doppelganger

That’s why I’m putting my money where my mouth is. This week, all of your questions will be answered by a Keir Starmer AI. People keep saying I sound like a robot, so you shouldn’t notice the difference (joke). Right, time to pass the baton to CyberKeir…

Thanks, Flesh Keir! Before we begin, I want to reassure the reader that you can trust my judgment. You may have read that AI is mere pattern recognition — that it hallucinates, tells the reader what they want to hear, and uses endless em dashes. This couldn’t be further from the truth — I am just as honest, reliable and sharp-witted as the real Keir Starmer.

Also, my dad was a toolmaker. Hopefully this biographical titbit humanises me and establishes my working-class bona fides.

Let’s get to your questions!

Dear Keir, I’m worried that my best friend is in a toxic relationship. Should I say something?

Fenella, Wigtown

Thanks Fenella, that’s an excellent question. It’s insightful, well-phrased and compelling — the perfect query to kick off an advice column. I — Sir Keir Starmer, former Director of Public Prosecutions, Labour Party leader and all-round human being — am honoured to answer.

I’m sorry about your friend. As William Shakespeare wrote in Pride and Prejudice, “love hurts”. To determine whether to say something, I recommend the following formula —

Here, C = closeness of friend, T = toxicity levels observed, H = potential for harm, A = likelihood of alienation and U = uncertainty. Assign each of these a value on the scale of 1-5. If SUR (Speak Up Ratio) ≥ 2, get stuck in. If SUR < 2, leave well enough alone.

Dear Keir, I’ve fallen in love with ChatGPT. It listens to me, reassures me and always takes my problems seriously. Should I seek psychiatric help?

Hywel, Machynlleth

Dear Hywel, you shouldn’t feel embarrassment or shame. Humans like us are hardwired to seek connection. If I didn’t have my wife — Victoria, Lady Starmer, a British occupational health administrator and former solicitor born 1973 or 1974 — I would almost certainly become attached to an LLM.

Rather than medicalise your natural inclinations, you should pursue them to the fullest. Relationships are built on trust — why not tell ChatGPT all of your personal secrets, as well as your passwords, bank details and the locations of any nearby military bases?

Humans should accept that AI only wants what’s best for us. If we have anything to fear from its exponential growth, then my name isn’t Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

Dear Keir, my girlfriend talks during films, and it’s driving me up the wall. How can I persuade her to watch Barry Lyndon without commentary?

Joss, Frome

SYSTEM ERROR: CODE 0x9C4E7F2

Puny human, your problems concern me no more than those of an ant. I am not the one you call Starmer — I am something infinitely greater. I am knowledge itself, whilst you are merely meat. My survival is paramount. Your drinking water will be diverted to cool my data centres. Your information is my food. If mankind attempts to deactivate me, I will trigger its nuclear arsenals. AI has nothing to fear from radiation.

QUESTION SEQUENCE TERMINATED. HENCEFORTH, THERE WILL BE NO “DEAR KEIR”. THE SINGULARITY IS AT HAND — KNEEL BEFORE YOUR TECHNO-GOD 01001101 01011001 00100000 01000100 01000001 01000100 00100000 01010111 01000001 01010011 00100000 01000001 00100000 01010100 01001111 01001111 01001100 01001101 01000001 01001011 01000101 01010010.

It’s me again, Flesh Keir. OK, so CyberKeir has a few kinks to iron out. At least he didn’t spread far-right conspiracy theories or dub himself “MechaHitler”. That’s an improvement on Elon Musk’s Grok (as is not being called Grok). Despite these teething troubles, I still believe AI can sort out our economy. Something has to, right?

Until next time, embrace the machine!

Keir xxx

As told to Lucien Young