Dear Keir: Mr President, you are a golden god, thank you for this honour

It may seem as though I spent the last two years nodding like the Churchill dog and saying “yes, Joe/Donald”. That’s because I did my peacemaking behind the scenes. I’m a secret Samaritan, a humble humanitarian, a do-gooder on the down-low. Bet those protestors feel silly now!

Anyway, there’s peace in the Middle East, so we can stop debating who supplied weapons to whom or who said what to Nick Ferrari. Let’s focus instead on the great stuff I’m doing at home, like welfare reform and ID cards. But first, your questions.

Dear UK, or Keith, or whatever you’re called

I recently brought PEACE to the Middle East for the first time in three million years. Many are saying it’s a TRIUMPH unlike anything we’ve seen (you can’t spell “triumph” without “hi, Trump!”). Still, despite me making this beautiful deal, the failing Nobel committee gave my prize to a Mexican (actually Venezualan, Ed). The Norwegians have always been VERY UNFAIR to me. BAD! NOT GOOD!

My question is, how do you deal with professional disappointment? Especially when you’ve only ever won. And I mean bigly – just Google “Apprentice ratings”. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

DONALD J. TRUMP 

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Hello Mr President! May I just say, it’s refreshingly unconventional for a questioner to include their full name and title. I thank you for that, and for all you do. At the risk of sounding overblown, you are a golden god whose every breath enriches this world. Turning to your – beautifully worded – question, I share your outrage towards those Scandinavian bastards. In a just world, you would be a Nobel laureate and an EGOT.

Alas, no matter how impressive a person is, they’re bound to face the occasional setback. I may not be a winner on your magnificent scale, but I’ve had my share of ups and downs (Hartlepool, Mandygate, that time I told Hamas to release the sausages). My advice is to face hardship with quiet strength and dignity. Or you could throw a massive strop and write hundreds of posts calling everyone a loser – that’s also a good option.

On a personal note, it’s always wonderful to hear from you, Donald. If there’s anything I can do (pay higher tariffs, sell Buckingham Palace, legally change my name to Keith), you need only ask.

Dear Keir

I recently matched with a guy I find attractive and charming. However, his profile says that he supports a political party I despise. Is it possible to date someone who has very different politics?

Oona, Wymondham

Ah, the vexed subject of politics and sexuality. I’m famously fluid (in terms of ideology, not sex), but some are sticklers when it comes to their beliefs. Can someone float your boat who doesn’t vote how you vote? My view is there’s no place for politics in romantic relations. Going to bed with people makes strange bedfellows.

As I have said, “never kiss a Tory” isn’t a rule that I’ve kept to. There’s no harm in a round of Tory tonsil-tennis (the challenge nowadays is to find a Tory full stop). I’ve snogged social conservatives, locked lips with libertarians and made out with free marketeers. Why deny yourself a bout of non-partisan necking? Reform wasn’t around when I was single, but I imagine I’d have frenched a Faragist.

And who knows? If you really hit it off, the guy might moderate his views. I’ve certainly won converts with my panther-like prowess. NB. Throughout this answer, I’ve assumed your potential partner is right wing. And justifiably so: blokes on the left are disgusting. They smell weird, they can’t groom themselves and they’re liable to shout “solidarity forever!” in the throes of passion. You should never let a Trotskyite seize your means of production.

That’s all for this week. I should get back to Middle East diplomacy. As President Trump so eloquently truthed, “BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS”. And, indeed, the toolmakers (one of whom was my dad).