Dear Keir: ‘Unlike my political career, a toolmaker’s work is simple, honest and helpful to ordinary people’

Hullo readers. Not much in the news this week. Let’s get straight to the questions.

Dear Keir, I’m keen to study structural engineering, but my dad wants me to take over the family business (he’s a cobbler). I have little interest in cobbling and can’t stand the smell of shoes. Is there a way to tell the guy without breaking his heart?

Nick, Canvey Island

Nick, I relate to this question more than you can know. As a bright-eyed, hot-blooded youth in Oxted, I yearned to some day be director of public prosecutions. At the same time, I felt tremendous pressure to follow in my father’s footsteps.

Dad was – and this is between you and me – a toolmaker. He made tools like his father before him, and his father before him, and so on. I assume that we Starmers constitute an unbroken line of toolmakers, stretching all the way back to Palaeolithic times. Perhaps an ancestor of mine invented the first ever tool (I picture some well-dressed caveman, with a neat beard and a name like Ug Starmer).

Though I chose another path, I feel the pull of what might have been. When I close my eyes, I see myself as a toolmaker: making tools, fashioning utensils, forging implements. I clock in at the toolmaking plant at 9am sharp, bang out a few tools and break for lunch at midday. Then it’s back to the floor, where I set about making a particularly complex tool (apologies for the jargon).

Unlike my political career, a toolmaker’s work is simple, honest and helpful to ordinary people. Maybe I’d have been happier in that trade. Maybe the world would be a happier place.

To answer your question, you should listen to your dad. Suck it up and get cobbling.

Dear Keir, my kids are always on their devices. I try talking to them, but they’re too busy watching Minecraft streamers, criminal TikTok pranks and something called “Skibidi Toilet”. The other day my five-year-old was poring over AI-generated videos in which a crowd of Spider-Men burn Elsa at the stake. Should I confiscate their phones and tablets? Or just accept our horrible future?

Stav, Banbury

Stav, I get lots of emails on this theme. App addiction is a huge problem, including Chez Starmer. I’ll be telling the kids about something fascinating, like procurement reform, when I notice their fingers twitch and their eyes dart to their devices. Even Lady Vic is guilty of this. Modern technology has ruined our attention spans, to the extent that listening to me hold forth on statutory instruments is viewed as some kind of chore.

What I find helpful is to carve out two hours each day for an event I call “Hear Keir”. During this family activity, I discuss a topic at length (planning regulation, for instance) and then conduct an exhaustive Q&A. To begin with, my kids acted like they were being tortured: squirming, convulsing, eyes rolling back in their heads. Now they just sit with a sort of glazed expression, which I choose to interpret as reverence.

Dear Keir, my girlfriend wants me to talk dirty to her, but I’m too self-conscious. Is talking dirty something you do, and if so, can you share some tips?

Adam, Hoxton

I’ll be honest, Adam: your question makes me uncomfortable. I value my privacy and would rather not discuss the Starmer bedroom. Still, I made a vow when I became an advice columnist, and that takes precedence.

As someone who treats ladies with respect, dirty talk isn’t my cup of tea. I’m scrupulously polite between the sheets, murmuring sweet nothings like “that is tremendous”, “you meet with my approval” and “I am laser-focused on achieving growth”. But if I had to bust out lewd language, here’s how it might sound…

“Hullo, this is Sir Keir Starmer. Let me be absolutely clear that you are a bad girl. And, by ‘bad’, I mean ‘naughty’ rather than ‘inadequate’. I am in no way suggesting that your performance is subpar. The only sensible course of action is to punish you. I make no apologies for that. And, as a former director of public prosecutions, I believe I am best qualified to administer said punishment.”

Apologies, that was more risqué than I expected. You may have to alter some of the specifics, but I hope it serves as a template for your own erotic utterances.

That’s all for now. I’m off to chair a Cobra meeting on this Iran hoo-ha. Until next time – if there is a next time – stay careful, stay conservative, stay Keir.

Keir xxx

As told to Lucien Young