The TV presenter and comedian recalls her ‘pinch me’ memories, from Conchita Wurst to best
As the last sequins, feathers and flags float out of Basel, we say au revoir, do widzenia, arrivederci to the 69th “Eurovizh”. No tears. It will be back next year, sure as love eggs is love eggs. I’ve had the joy of working at many Song Contests, the last and best being Liverpool 2023.
I use the term “working” loosely. I was in the majestic city of Liverpool recently and made the pilgrimage to the darkened Eurovizh arena. At 8am, alone, I performed a light lunge in honour of Käärijä (Finland), who I still felt was robbed with that anthemic Cha Cha Cha. And it struck me; for more than three decades in this fickle, feckless business, I’ve often found myself in pinch-me situations.
“Is this actually happening?” – performing a Dynasty sketch dressed as Joan Collins... in front of Joan Collins (hard Paddington stares from la Collins), sharing a deep-fried Mars Bar with legendary Les Dennis at 4am in Edinburgh. “Am I really here?”
Self-reflections like this are standard at the Eurovision Song Contest. It’s pure Alice in Wonderland; you’re a teeny bug among larger-than-life, trippy butterflies backstage, who then fill your dreams. Nightmarish was the chance encounter with Lordi (Finland 2006), the be-latexed Hard Rock Hallelujah giants, which had me running for my life down a corridor at Maidstone Studios.
In honour of the sacred left-hand side of the Eurovision leader board, I’ve compiled my personal top 12 pinch-me Eurovision moments.
12. Wandering into a café in Stockholm 2016, fresh from the airport, and the first person I saw was Björn Ulvaeus, the tiny titan from Abba. I went weak and stared at him, dribbling. He returned my stare with a fruity wink.
11. Performing a Eurovision pastiche in front of 100 stony-faced European Broadcast Union delegates in Basel (2008) who DID NOT SEE THE JOKE. Except for two red-faced people laughing their heads off in the front row, Sir Terry and Lady Wogan. I’ll always love you, Terry.
10. Assisting Eurovision icon Conchita Wurst through security at the Vienna arena (2015) who was top-half Conchita (wig and makeup), bottom-half Tom Neuwirth (shorts and trainers), and carrying accessories in a shopping bag. I was thanked in four languages.
‘The first person I saw was Björn Ulvaeus, the tiny titan from Abba. I went weak and stared at him, dribbling’
9. Strapping in to Eurovizh 2014 with Paul, Mary and Sue when we were filming Bake Off. I threw a party for the four of us in my hotel room. Dress code: white towelling bathrobes and matching paper slippers. Way too much prosecco drunk. Mary was last woman standing.
8. Visiting Carla’s tanning salon, pre-show, in Liverpool: “You look pale as porridge, Sue, not gonna lie to you.” She then double-dipped me.
7. Witnessing, backstage, the superhuman work of queen show-caller Julia Whittle. She stage-managed the Liverpool show with about 17,000 cues. Without Whittle – no show.
6. Carrying Verka’s mother (her son represented Ukraine in 2007) out of a hotel room in Kyiv 2017; Scott Mills at the head end, me at the feet. She was surprisingly unresistant.
5. Being the last to leave the post-show party in the Liverpool Arena dressed in the Ukrainian colours of blue and yellow, and somebody mistook me for an Ikea shopping bag. I ended up three in a bed with my two oldest school mates howling with laughter and feeling 15 again.
4. Hugging Gustaph, representing Belgium, and crying in each other’s arms after we discovered a shared love of flaky pastry.
‘It was frankly the best 15 seconds of my life. Yes, Andy Warhol, you were bang on, except mine was seconds rather than minutes’
3. High-fiving Jon Ola Sand, the European Broadcasting Union’s executive supervisor of Eurovision in 2017; he even got my name right.
2. Having a button sewn on by the extraordinary team of backstage seamstresses and seamsters. It’s like The Elves and the Shoemaker– they are the unseen heroes who re-wedge the neon G-strings that have twanged out of place, the Bacofoil flares ripped at the gusset, the PVC that has slipped from its awnings. They also gave me the best costume I have ever worn. Which leads me neatly to my top, No 1 “I cannot believe this is real” moment, which occurred in the “arena of dreams”, again in Liverpool 2023.
1. Sitting on a dangerously low stool, churning imaginary butter, dressed as a Polish milkmaid, wearing the cutest pair of red leather lace-up bootees, with quite a lot of leg and cleavage on display (thank all the gods in showbiz heaven that I’d had the double-dip tan from Carla – those arena lights are INSANELY STRONG, they wash you right out) – channelling Rula Lenska for all I was worth and churning with forearms gifted me by my Polish forebears. It was frankly the best 15 seconds of my life. Yes, Andy Warhol, you were bang on, except mine was seconds rather than minutes. I felt OH, YE GODS I am actually live in front of 160 million viewers right now, a 53-year-old lady from Leatherhead, serving them some hot perimenopausal action. This is INSANE. This is BRILLIANT. Bring on 2026!
Photograph by Ragnar Singsaas/Getty Images
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