‘You should always appeal to voters who think you were Jimmy Savile’s wingman’

Hullo, all. Busy times in No 10. Last week I unveiled a catchy new slogan: “serious pragmatism defeats performative politics”. I said this after agreeing a trade deal with Donald Trump, whose serious, pragmatic approach won him two terms as US president.

Performative politics were nowhere to be seen last Monday, when I delivered a major immigration speech, flanked by the biggest union jacks we could find. Back in 2020, I urged Labour to make a positive case for immigration and warned against scape­goating migrants. Nowadays my vibe is more Children of Men. “Squalid chapter”, “open borders,” “incalculable harm”, etc.

Did the speech have its detractors? Of course. I’ve been called a Nigel Farage tribute act, “Fascist Eeyore” and “Der Keir Stürmer”. But going after Reform’s base is tacti­cally smart. In electoral politics, you should always appeal to voters who think you were Jimmy Savile’s wingman.

Alienating everybody else is a small price to pay. I reject the claim that my “island of strangers” line was reminiscent of Enoch Powell. Though I’m glad we cut the phrase “tributaries of gore”.

OK, let’s turn to the week’s emails, which I hope are decent British emails from decent British people.

Dear Keir, I remember you ­saying that everyone should watch Netflix’s Adolescence. Are there any other TV shows you’d recommend? I’ve been looking for something new to binge since The Traitors ended.

Mel, Garforth

Thanks Mel, great question. As a bloke, my favourite TV programme is Match of the Day (I wish Lineker would stop being so political). But I watch all manner of shows, from pulse-pounding thrillers like Bargain Hunt to gut-busting ­comedies like Ted Lasso. Liz Kendall keeps telling me to check out Squid Game, which she says would make an excellent model for our welfare system.

Recently I’ve been catching up on the Disney+ series Andor, a Star Wars spinoff about the formation of the Rebel Alliance. It’s a mature, engrossing twist on George Lucas’s tale of good versus evil. Though, to be clear, I do not condone rebellion. Cassian Andor, Mon Mothma, Saw Gerrera – these terrorists are responsible for disorder across the galaxy, up to and including the horrific attack on the Death Star. Yes, it blew up Alderaan, but the Empire has a right to defend herself. I may not agree with Sheev Palpatine on everything – I’d rather he used less of his Force lightning – but we must respect his authority. Instead of rebelling, the rebels should work within the Imperial system to achieve reform. By rising to the level of Admiral, Grand Moff or even Darth, they could (for instance) persuade the Emperor to annihilate fewer planets.

I love a good Star War. Who can forget the scene where Vader cuts off Luke’s hand and declares “I am your father”? I’ve always related to Luke, though, of course, my father wasn’t a Sith Lord. He was – if you can believe this – a toolmaker.

Dear Keir, I’m having boy trouble (cringe!), so thought I should contact you. My problem is that all the guys I get with turn out to be perverts, dickheads or Lib Dems. How can I spot red flags in the early days of a relationship?

Antonia, Chelmsford

Antonia, you have my sympathy. Like the dating game, politics is a snake pit of deceit. It can be very hard to know who to trust. For this reason I surround myself with people of unimpeachable character, such as Peter Mandelson. You know where you are with Mandy, barring the occasional hiccup (closeness to Jeffrey Epstein, calling me fat, etc).

You mention red flags. Well, if anyone in my life exhibits toxic behaviour, I cut them out immediately. And by “toxic behaviour”, I mean “being to the left of George Osborne”. For me, the ultimate red flag is singing The Red Flag. Take Jeremy Corbyn. I may have said he was my friend when I was running for leader, but I always knew this allotment-based jam enthusiast was Stalin reincarnated.

You can’t give these people an inch: tree-huggers, antiwar types, purple-haired students with ­pronouns. And don’t get me started on trade unions. Support for organised labour has no place in my Labour party. If you’re in one of the above groups, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

That said, lefties should still vote for me at the next election. Who do they want as prime minister, Nigel Farage? (Whose views on immigration, I must stress, are correct.).

Right, time to get back to securing our borders. Remember: we don’t want an island of strangers.

Until next week, stay level-headed, stay punctual, stay Keir!

Keir xxx