A sausage in a bap not a bus parade? Oh please Manchester United, get over yourselves

Ordinarily around now we get to deride the presumption of football clubs whose plans for open-top bus parades are “leaked” ahead of the ­relevant cup final. But 2025 is  different.

This year we get to deride the presumption of a club cancelling the very idea of a bus parade. For there will be no public homecoming for Manchester United in the event that they beat Tottenham Hotspur in the Europa League final this week. Just a “barbecue at the training ground”.

And, obviously, the loudest voices saying “barbecuing’s too good for that lot” won’t exclusively belong to their fans, but will quite predominantly do so. “For Rasmus Højlund? Waste of briquettes.”

Well, one understands the ­hollowed-out context. Two of the most wretched teams in the Premier League will shortly find themselves playing for a Champions League place in 2025-26. And we all rightly feel a bit embarrassed on the game’s behalf about that. But really? No waving to the ­faithful after the capture of Europe’s second biggest club trophy?

Yet such is the joyless culture of performative modesty at United ­presently – a club as cash-strapped as the fourth largest revenue-­generating force in world football can be. The hair shirt is the new club shirt. Acts of self-abasement abound, penance must now be seen to be paid, and Roy Keane has won the war. “We are not worthy to be celebrated, nor even to celebrate,” is United’s current vibe-free vibe.

Of course, it could be a very good barbecue. Maybe Ruben Amorim, United’s manager, is as adept in and around the grilling area as Mauricio Pochettino, whose ­barbecue for ­players, staff and family ­at Tottenham is still ­produced as ­evidence of his ­managerial ­acumen in every article about him.

Apparently it was ­beautiful work by the Argentinian. Never mind delivering trophies: that guy can really apron-up and barbecue.

Maybe Amorim, too, seriously delivers when this kind of heat is on. Maybe his post-Europa plan is to go all out and do corn on the cob as well as burgers.

Perhaps this will be the barbecue that turns things around and ensures Amorim is for ever remembered with awe at his club.

But even if Amorim flawlessly turns out 50 perfectly done steaks and something clever for the vegetarians, will this really be more valuable than a victorious bus parade? Or even one in defeat, actually. Those used to happen. Two years in succession (1998 and 1999), beaten Newcastle United sides drove round their city on a double-decker proudly emblazoned with “FA Cup Finalists”. Thousands turned out. Chelsea did the same in 1994, the day after they were stuffed at Wembley by Manchester United.

The sun shone, the Fulham Road was jammed with sympathetic flag-wavers. It was extremely healing.

For here was acknowledgement that cup campaigns were an epic ­journey – and for the fans even more than the players. And when the ­journey ended badly, in exhausted defeat… well, for the players, it was like being brought home, dead, on your shield, but more conveniently, without the death and most likely with some kind of ­chicken-based lunch in the town hall at the end of it. And for the fans there was succour.

But since then the domestic cups have been engulfed by a rising sense of worthlessness. Is it about to sink the Europa League, too? United, ­typically, aren’t doing anything to ­prevent that with this no-bus plan.

They have had a terrible season, there is no ­denying, accumulating their worst points total since the 1930s (adjusting for three points for a win, though not ­adjusting for the better pitches these days and sweat-wicking sportswear).

The last time they lost as many games at home it was 1973-74 and they were going down.

You know what a club in that position need? Cheering up for five minutes. A bus parade might have done that – and you can bet that Tottenham will help themselves. Quite right, too.

But no. Not for United. At best, a sausage in a bap it is. Honestly, United: get over yourselves. Don’t be so Gary Neville all your lives. Crack a smile when one’s available.