Latest insipid England win leaves Tuchel searching for proper test

None of those matches has allowed him even a semblance of opportunity to learn anything useful, to do anything other than the bare minimum of his job description, to squat on the touchline looking pensive. The art of games like these is to concoct meaning from something utterly meaningless, to declare debutant Elliot Anderson the next Bryan Robson or fuel the infernal Trent Alexander-Arnold/Reece James debate. But really this, as much of Tuchel’s tenure has been, was just deckchairs on the Titanic, busy work, football for football’s sake, sporting brainrot.

The Andorran Primera Divisió does not begin for another week. Starting No 9 Ricard “Cucu” Fernández plays for Tabor Sežana in the Slovenian second tier, midfielder Pau Babot the German fifth tier. If more than five of Andorra’s 87,000 populace travelled to Villa Park, they kept to themselves. The only palpable tension was whether fans had just brought their St George’s crosses for the game, or whether they found a spare in their jeans pocket from night-time escapades earlier in the week.

It would almost certainly suit everyone involved far better if England divided most international breaks into two distinct camps. On one side, a squad of 30-35 players who spend two weeks together, playing at least two full-pace, competitive intra-squad matches. You could even sell tickets for them – fans might not leave after 70 minutes out of overwhelming boredom.

On the other, a collection of Under-21s and fringe players to deal with Andorra and Latvia, for coaches to more closely assess while affording them experience and opportunities. Could Harvey Barnes, Lewis Cook and Ethan Nwaneri not have won this match, and probably have done a more entertaining job? Would they not have beaten Latvia or Albania, or give Serbia a good game on Tuesday?

There would be plenty of talk of disrespect, but when a system is a joke, laugh at it. However they achieve it, England need to find a way of making the deeply flawed international schedule work for them. World Cup qualification is a necessary process, but it doesn’t have to be like this.

The consensus is that games like these are useful practice for dismantling “low blocks”, English football’s new white whale. And, to be fair, there were points of this game in which England attempted to break down Andorra like a drunk trying to break into his own house. ­Christian García’s opening own goal, a miserably amateur defensive header past his own goalkeeper, was the equivalent of smashing a window with your own keys.

Yet surely it would be more helpful attempting to unpick a low block of similarly skilled players? There’s a fair argument that English and Andorran internationals play, if not a wholly separate sport, then largely different ones. The necessary skills to win a match like this comfortably are superfluous to Premier League players, like astronauts being asked to operate a Ford Fiesta. Four wheels won’t get you far in space.

As expected, England appeared slightly more motivated and inspired than they had in the dreadful reverse match, a 1-0 victory in the sweltering Barcelona humidity, at the end of an exhausting season. After a report in Spain suggested that Barcelona were already considering returning Marcus Rashford to sender, he repeatedly received the ball in space and either passed it backwards or ran head first into traffic, a fundamental flaw in his hardwiring.

But had he scored five, would it have really suggested anything other than he would thrive in the National League South? Perhaps Tuchel will not really be able to learn anything meaningful until he touches down in North America next summer.

Photograph by Michael Regan/Getty Images