In this hi-tech era of AI and CGI, adults no longer need to don padded costumes and ludicrously big heads. That’s a pity…

I must go down to the sea again – for the wheezing rides, vintage wretchedness and crappy plastic currency

Really, is there any difference between the Bootleg Beatles and the Brandenburg Concertos at the Proms?

Return, I say, to pepper the sterile silence of this shinier, more vapid age

What finer masterpiece than one painted by someone untouched by the brush of genius, but who still had a go?