This article was originally published on 24 December 2006 under the headline "Seasons bleatings"
On this festive eve, women could do worse than remember Christmas is the season of goodwill to all men – yes, even the one you’re with. Even if he did put the tree up all wonky so it tilts and lurches like something from an enchanted forest. Even if he did forget to pick up something (unspecified, but insultingly cheap) for the distant relatives you never see. Even if he did get you a present so chillingly inappropriate they can’t open Ann Summers soon enough for you to take it back. After all, Christmas is a time of harmony, magic and fresh starts. What better time for a woman to look her man in the eye and say those words he’s always wanted to hear: “I really don’t care if you go down the pub or not.”
Indeed, I’ve noticed over the years that Christmas tends to be a very different experience for a woman depending on whether or not she is romantically involved. First, you have the singleton Christmas spent entirely alone, which I, for one, always rather enjoyed (slobbing around on your own in your PJs eating Marmite sandwiches when everyone else is perched on social tippy-toes - what’s not to like?). Then there is the singleton Christmas spent with friends and/or family, where an unattached gal can spend the whole time fending off questions about why no one loves her, and pretending to be grateful when an aunt passes her an article she ripped out of the paper about egg-freezing for women in their thirties.
Men might have their festive complaints (another Top Gear video?), but, as a gender, they have yet to suffer the strangely charged atmosphere of the single woman returning home for Christmas. All of which may explain why, for certain women I’ve known, being alone at this time of year is too unbearable to contemplate. Come late November, they end up throwing themselves at wildly inappropriate men, a bit like love lemmings over the cliff of desperation (aka the office party). Failing that, you have no choice but to show up at the family sans news of an SO (significant other). Which is fine at first, but some time around your ninth glass of eggnog you might find yourself leaning against a wall in the corner, crying into a torn party hat, as the rest of the family pretend not to notice and nervously play Buckaroo.
So, not the greatest of Christmases. And yet astonishingly enough, it still beats Christmas with the wrong man. Or even the right one, if you’ve been so audacious as to do the day all by yourselves. Then again, if you can still admire a man who has produced something that could only be termed “dead sauce” then it’s going to be OK. Likewise, if he can still love you when you’ve drunkenly mocked his present, shouting through open windows that he’s a “Bad Santa”, then you may yet share something very special, and not merely an ASBO. If nothing else, the scene has been set for the greatest festive tradition of all – the Christmas row.
Related articles:
Of course, the Christmas row isn’t just for couples. Anyone can join in – family, neighbours, the dog, though most people prefer to do it with their partners. It makes it that much more special. It doesn’t matter whether you’re rowing over something that happened five minutes ago, a bit like the relationship three bears (“Someone's been drinking from my glass, and it’s all gone”), or over something from your past that urgently needs addressing in high, screechy voices. The only important thing is that, at some point, for some reason, this most seasonal of rows happens. This is because the Christmas row is one of the greatest ever litmus tests of relationship longevity. It’s only when you’ve survived pulling crackers with someone you temporarily hate that you can be entirely sure of a future together. It’s only when you’ve argued for hours on end over really dumb things such as whether selection boxes are getting smaller that you realise that, at long last, both of you have become dull enough to turn into your parents.
Isn’t this the true meaning of Christmas? The cycle of life acted out in a snowstorm of tinsel, turkey leftovers and Deal or No Deal? interactive DVDs? In a relationship or not, all human life is there, as well as all the sugared almonds you can handle. Enjoy ...
Photograph by Marian Vejcik / Getty Images