Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough: my week as a honey badger

Monday

We don’t back down. Our defence is not to run but to advance, no matter how big the adversary, and to do so with plenty of teeth on show. They say that when we’re cornered by humans we always go for the crotch – well, nice tempting height. Can’t say I’ve been in that position, but it makes the most obvious good sense, does it not?

Tuesday

Fearless, that’s us. In a world where just about every animal you meet knows the meaning of fear, it’s a tactic that’s not only original, it has the permanent advantage of surprise. And as a result tonight’s meal was puff adder: deadly poisonous, apparently, but helpless in front of me. We’re immune to the venom – or at least, we like them to think so.

Wednesday

It’s almost a year now that I’ve been teaching the youngster about life. Soon he’ll be off and fending for himself. He already knows about confrontation, about not backing down and above all, about being smart. Everything is food if you know how to get it: honey, as you’d expect, but more often insects, frogs, tortoises, lizards, rodents, birds, eggs.

Thursday

Me and the youngster had just killed a nice fat guinea fowl when half a dozen lions came by and one of them fancied it as a cocktail snack. Don’t these creatures ever learn? We’re black, we’re white, we’ll beat you every fight. Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough! When a daft young male lion got a bitten to the bone, the others soon backed off.

Friday

We like to swap yarns about particularly daring and brilliant fellow badgers. Have you heard about the captive honey badger that made a whole series of tools to escape? He used a rake as a climbing-pole, built a rock-pile as a ladder and when the rocks had been taken away, he built a ramp out of mud. There’s no one we can’t beat and nothing we can’t escape from.

Saturday

You think I’m boasting, don’t you? Once I was caught by a pack of wild dogs. I have a lot of respect for them as hunters, but less for their intelligence. One seized me by the neck. Big mistake. Huge. The skin on my neck is a quarter of an inch thick and wonderfully loose. I was able to swivel round while still in his jaws and damn near bit his nose off. Many creatures have underestimated us honey badgers, some have lived to regret it. The lucky ones.

Honey badger CV

Lifespan Maybe eight years

Eating habits Yes

Hobbies Adversarial debate

Sexual preferences Fierce but gentle, if you know what I mean

Photograph by Giovanni Grotto/Alamy