Hola Britain! Sorry not to start with a “hullo” – I’m brushing up on Spanish to better understand events in South America. I’ll admit I was caught off guard by President Trump’s attack on Venezuela and kidnapping of Maduro. A heads up would have been nice! Still, the special relationship is going strong. It’s just one of those relationships where you keep secrets from each other. And honestly, that’s kind of sexy.
Let me be clear: I’m a supporter of international law. If international law were a football team, I’d be at every match. But Gaza, Venezuela – these are exceptions that prove the rule. Some suggest my “craven” approach exposes the UK as a mere vassal state. Not true. And even if it were, is being a vassal so bad? You get protection, a fief, and if you’re really good, your liege lord might fling you a half-eaten turkey leg. That’s better than serfdom!
I hope the reader is reassured by this practical idealism. Now to apply my moral compass to your problems…
Dear Keir, I have to give a presentation at work, but public speaking terrifies me. How can I overcome this fear?
Eustace, Bolton
Eustace, this may shock you, but I haven’t always been a great orator. When I started out in court, my nerves would often get the better of me, causing me to adopt a strangulated, adenoidal tone and frequently repeat myself. Fortunately, practice makes perfect – nowadays I resemble nothing so much as a white, British Martin Luther King. Here are some tips to help you speak as fluently and compellingly as I do:
1 I think it was William Shakespeare – played by Paul Mescal – who said “brevity is the soul of wit”. Or, to put it another way, if you say something in as few words as you can, it will sound cleverer than if you go on and on. That’s why I keep my speeches short. How? By removing anything of substance.
2 Employ a little humour. I’ll sometimes regale an audience with jokes my father taught me. For instance: why was the toolmaker so good at holes? Because he knew the drill! Then I’ll pause for several minutes’ worth of laughter. It’s the way I tell ’em.
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3 Deliver your words with conviction, even if you’re not 100% sure. For instance, I worried the“island of strangers” speech was a bit Enoch-y. Still, I went out there and did my best. Faint heart never made a good speech! You can always backtrack in a liberal newspaper. They used to recommend imagining your audience naked, but that hardly seems appropriate post-MeToo. At the very least, you would have to ask the audience for consent to picture them in the buff, which might be embarrassing. Plus, I don’t necessarily want to face a crowd of CLP members with everything hanging out.
Dear Keir, I feel overwhelmed by all my group chats. Can I leave friends “on read” without alienating them?
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Tanvi, Chingford
It’s a modern dilemma – how do you set boundaries when you’re contactable 24/7? I’m in countless group chats, and wake up each morning to at least 50 notifications. The most active is one for cabinet members. It started off as “Starmer’s Barmy Army” but has since gone through several name changes: “Moderation Nation”, “the Grown Ups in the Room”, “Labour Friends of Keir” and “Blairites Anonymous”. We’re not conducting “government by WhatsApp” – we’re just sharing dark memes and TikToks that go hard.
Still, the constant updates can become exhausting. When I’m at capacity, I don’t hesitate to mute. My colleagues understand that this is me stepping away, rather than rejecting them. After all, our relationships are based on mutual respect, shared purpose and instinctive loyalty.
Oh, hello – Wes Streeting just messaged the chat: “Project defenestration is ready to go”. Then he deleted it and wrote “sorry, meant for another group :-) ”. No idea what that’s about. Probably an in-joke…
Anyway, I should head off and monitor the fast-moving geopolitical situation. Who knows where my buddy Don might liberate next? Greenland? Paris? Leeds? Whatever happens, British citizens can be confident their prime minister will stand up and declare he has no opinion either way.Yours transatlantically,