Dear Keir: ‘I’m the Alfred to Trump’s Batman’

Volodymyr Zelensky was in Washington, so I had to prevent another Oval Office mauling. Think of me as a gorilla handler – one with tremendous respect for the gorilla in question.

You see, President Trump and I have struck up an unlikely friendship. I’m sort of the Alfred to his Batman (which, I suppose, makes JD Vance Robin). It’s taken some doing, but I’ve established myself as Europe’s foremost Trump whisperer. The strategy – a clever one, you must admit – is to glaze him like a Christmas ham and say “thank you” every three seconds. Doesn’t matter why.

I’m confident my orange-nosing will pay off. It’s not like The Donald is some volatile head case. I can’t imagine him, say, flipping on Ukraine the second Putin offers to build a Trump Tower in Kyiv. Anyway, after all this top-level diplomacy, solving your problems should be a doddle. Let’s get to the questions…

Dear Keir, I’m 12 years old and a committed centrist. Naturally, you’re my hero. How can I grow up to be as middle-of-the-road as you?
Timmy, Jesmond

Thanks Timmy. I’ll be straight with you: it takes colossal effort to be this moderate. If you want to roll like me, you need to put in the hard yards. Only by doing so can you achieve Starmer stamina (or “Starmina”). Like a bodybuilder, I rely on repetition. But instead of bicep curls and squats, I repeat phrases like “government of service”, “working people” and “my dad was a toolmaker”.

At the same time, you must resist the temptation to take a firm stance on anything. Avoid the Big Mac of moral clarity. Reach for the broccoli of nuance. Sure, there’s a sugar rush that comes with saying “tax the rich” or “free Palestine”. But think about the comedown (your donors) and the effect on your waistline (the US State Department).

My final tip is to pace yourself. I wasn’t always a Centrist Dad: in my 20s, I was associated with the International Revolutionary Marxist Tendency. Over the decades, my views evolved from “smash capitalism” to “capitalism is smashing”. In other words, you’ve got ages to attain KRS level. Until then, feel free to spend your pocket money on suits and hair gel.

Dear Keir, I had an affair several years ago. It was a moment of madness and I regret it every day. My wife agreed to stay but has never truly forgiven me. How do I mend the relationship?
Crispin, Biggleswade

To be honest, Crispin, I have little sympathy. I wouldn’t dream of betraying someone’s trust (or, hypothetically, that of millions of people). After all, marriage is a sacred covenant, and I never go back on my pledges. Once your reputation for honesty is gone, it’s gone for good.

Look at things from your wife’s perspective: she thought she was getting a loyal, devoted husband. Instead, she got a cheat. That’s like voting for a human rights lawyer and ending up with a rightwing authoritarian. Her faith in you has been shattered, and there’s no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.

This leaves you with one option: persuade your wife that, as shit as you are, the alternatives are worse. Sure, you flip-flopped in terms of fidelity, but look at the other blokes on the market. Who’s she going to replace you with, a racist pub bore? An allotment-loving beardo? Ed Davey? He’s too busy pogoing and doing motocross to satisfy her.

In the absence of any positive argument, one has to fall back on “better the bastard you know”. Unrelatedly, I’m off to strategise about the next election. It’s early days, but Morgan’s been pitching slogans. These include “keep buggering on”, “second time’s the charm” and “(we can) change”.

See you next week. Oh, and remember: it’s illegal to say “I support Palestine Action”. I know I just said it, but that was for illustrative purposes. Still, out of an abundance of caution, I’ll be reporting myself to the police.

Keir xxx

As told to Lucien Young