Dear Keir: Let me introduce Rizz Streeting and Ed Netflix-and-Chiliband

Still, resilience is among my best features. In the words of Chumbawamba, I get knocked down, but I get up again. Much like one of those inflatable clown punching bags.

My priority is to increase support from gen Z. As a result, we’re rebranding Labour’s top team. I’ll be S-tier Keir, with a cabinet including Slay-chel Reeves, Angela Slay-ner, Rizz Streeting, David “Goes HAM” Lammy and Ed Netflix-and-Chiliband.

By using the appropriate lingo, we hope to persuade young progressives that this government is lowkey goated. It’s not that I have big Tory energy: I’m just in my pragmatic era. The L we took in 2019 left me no choice but to remove Corbyn from the group chat. He and his comrades failed the vibe check. They were cringe-coded and – quite frankly – serving weirdcore.

All right, fam: your emails.

Dear Keir, I caught my 14-year-old watching porn on his laptop. What should I do?

Romilly, Staines

Hi Romilly, I strongly disapprove of pornography, because it promotes unrealistic ideas about sex. For instance, that it lasts more than three minutes or that there are positions other than missionary.

That’s why I welcome the Online Safety Act. Under-18s can no longer access cyber-smut, and quite right too. In my day, all you had was your imagination, plus that episode of The Avengers where Mrs Peel dresses as a dominatrix.

Ideally, this ban will force teens to channel their sexual frustration into something more productive, like studying law or learning football statistics. Failing that, it encourages digital natives to consume porn the old-fashioned way: by discovering a mouldy stash in the woods. If they’re going to warp their minds with filth, they should at least be getting fresh air.

Sorry, that answer got away from me. I guess confiscate your son’s devices and tell him he’s a pervert?

Dear Keir, I’ve always felt I had a novel in me, but I struggle to put pen to paper. How do I come up with a bestselling idea?

Evadne, Wythenshawe

Dear Evadne, like you, I’ve got literary aspirations. The best advice I’ve come across is to write what you know. As an example, here’s my proposal for an airport novel:

SKELETON ARGUMENT

By Sir Keir Starmer

Looking for a badass barrister? Meet KANE STONER, the coolest KC who ever donned a wig. A 62-year-old heart-throb and knight of the realm, Stoner moonlights as a detective: he collars scumbags, then defends them in court. He’s a one-man war on crime, armed with nothing but his knowledge of jurisprudence – and a gun.

When Kane is summoned to the Houses of Parliament, he learns that sensible, grownup politicians are being murdered one by one. The prime suspect? Bearded communist Gerald Crumlin. Alas, the Metropolitan police – for whom Kane has nothing but respect – are powerless to help. Only Stoner can bring the radical left to justice, once and for all…

Stoner is a new breed of hero, not some renegade like Jason Bourne. No, he’s a stickler for the rules and wouldn’t dream of going rogue. He doesn’t just do things by the book: he wrote the book. And while he was writing it, you’d better believe he backed up to an external hard drive.

Pretty exciting, eh? I plan to start work as soon as I’m out of office. Which, if we’re honest, will be 2029 at the latest. My other ideas are an espionage thriller (The Toolmaker Stratagem) and a children’s fantasy book (Barry Barrister and the Chambers of Secrets).

Right, I should brush up on my gen Z slang. Until next week, stay bussin’.