Humans? Only in an emergency – my week as a vampire bat

Altruism. That’s how society works, isn’t it? Kindness, generosity, the ungrudging and never-counting swapping of favours. Be nice and everyone else is nice back. And if you don’t abide by those principles, you’re not fit to be a vampire bat.

Monday

A normal day in the colony. Or rather night. Just a few dozen of us in a big hollow tree. Mostly females: sisters, aunts, daughters, female cousins and friends; random females related to nobody else, at least at first. There are a few resident males who do what you’d expect resident males to do, including chasing off our sons as soon as they get cocky.

Tuesday

A bad night. At least at first. Never think blood-hunting is an easy game. You’ve got to find a nice big animal full of the good red stuff, and that’s hard enough. I managed it eventually, but the bloody cow woke up when I settled, shook me off and that woke up all the others. I got back to the roost hungry. But never mind. I asked politely – we vampires are hot on manners – and my neighbour kindly sicked up a little of the blood she’d caught herself. A nice warm meal. Thanks, friend.

Wednesday

Our ancestors were mad for the blood of tapirs, but that’s pretty old school. These days there are more horses than tapirs and more cattle than either. Humans? Well, OK in an emergency. No, give me a nice warm mare, sleeping the sleep of all good horses. I’ll take my fill and she won’t notice a thing.

Thursday

We use echolocation for navigation in the dark, but when it comes to finding food, smell is better. And there she was, a mare – and, what’s more, she's in season. My favourite. But not to rush things. Down on the ground and make the last few yards on foot. We’re pretty agile beasts. Sense a warm spot, where the sweet blood flows close to the surface. I jumped. I leapt from the floor to her neck so softly she never knew I was there. First lick, to clear the hairs and make the spot tender. Then bite: teeth so sharp the gentlest bite pierces the skin. And then lap, lap, lap like a pussycat with a saucer of milk. I took on half my bodyweight in blood at a 20-minute sitting and that’s a big extra load for any flying creature. But I was able to pee a great deal of the liquid content before take-off and then back to the roost.

Friday

I got back in the early hours, weary, satisfied and full of mare. The last thing I wanted, a begging neighbour, however polite, but you soon remember what being a vampire is all about. You’re welcome, neighbour.

Saturday

A contented mood throughout the colony when we awoke as dusk was falling. We’d all done all right the previous day, even those who drew a blank out hunting. A long moment of shared contentment, and why not? The world is full of blood.

*As told to Simon Barnes