Australia: where best-laid plans come to die. We do this to ourselves. Every four years we tell ourselves it will be different. And that this time we really have a chance. We are always wrong.
England have not won a Test match in Australia in almost 15 years, so to believe that they might win three in seven weeks was deluded, deranged and, for a time, delightful.
Because it did feel different this time round. There wasn’t just hope, but expectation. The Ashes was a natural conclusion to the boxset of Bazball. A referendum on whether flashy drives and bowling fast was the answer to Test cricket all along.
“I think there’s a misconception about the way we play,” Brendon McCullum said on Stuart Broad and Jos Buttler’s podcast For The Love Of Cricket ahead of the series. “That we swing as hard as we can, try and take wickets and then we go and play golf and have a few beers. I find it slightly disrespectful.”
But you love swinging as hard as you can, playing golf and having a few beers. That’s your whole thing.
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After day one at Perth, a little over two weeks/years ago, Ben Stokes and McCullum had reason to feel smug. Their plan to hit Australia with pace and for aggressive batting had borne fruit. Australia were shellshocked after being on the end of a violent display of bowling that had reduced them to 123 for nine, still 49 behind. England had got their total quickly on a tricky wicket that justified the process. McCullum and Stokes were grinning. A day later they had lost.
The same has been true in Brisbane. Where a strong-ish first day was punctuated by Joe Root’s brilliance in finally making a Test century in Australia, while being surrounded by lovable rogues who produced four ducks between them and relied on the No 11 Jofra Archer to swing his way past 30 to lift them to a score. Again, England were ahead, if only just.
But over the course of days two and three they have dropped five chances and allowed Australia’s tail to bunt their way to a score of 511. Nobody in Australia’s batting line-up made a century, but all made double figures. It was the competence of the many, overcoming the talent of the few.
Similarly, the plan to keep hitting Australia with pace crumbled. After the Perth Test, Mark Wood’s knee flared up and he is now walking around in a knee brace. Suddenly, the five fast bowlers of England became four. With one man fewer in rotation, the sweltering heat of Brisbane took its toll and the fearsome bowling quintet became the oft-criticised photocopier attack of four right-arm seamers. It got worse when Brydon Carse, to this point a standout international performer since his debut last year, produced the worst performance of his career in Brisbane to concede 152 runs in the innings.
But volatility isn’t a by-product of this team, rather an ingredient. On record, they have said they do not expect Zak Crawley to be a consistent player. On record, they state they don’t care about economy rates but chasing wickets. At its best, it is thrilling cricket at breakneck speed, at its worst, it is braindead batting where acts of self-harm are preferable to periods of boredom.
Stokes and McCullum, whether you agree with their methods or not, are genuine worldwide cricketing celebrities. And it is only the power of their personalities that have made this Bazball approach possible. Gut-feeling picks on the basis of knowing the game, and approaching the sport from an entirely new angle, is only possible if you carry the social capital of two men that everyone else wishes to impress. Chris Silverwood spent his time in charge as head coach wondering how long he would get to do the job. McCullum and Stokes spend their time thinking about how long they want to do it. If the tour continues this way, that level of certainty will change.
While altogether maddening, the sympathy towards this England team is because everyone comes here and loses. So what’s the harm in trying something new? England played “proper” cricket in their last three tours here. They lost 13 games and won zero. Were England to have won now, it would have been an enormous success, and if – or when – they lose, they will be another in a long list. You have to be great to win here, and England aren’t a great team.
Nevertheless, after such a long build-up, that the seismic showdown looks certain to be going the same way as the rest is galling. Five days of cricket was all it took for Australia to be on the brink of 2-0 up as England’s fruit machine stopped paying out.
There is a notion that this team don’t care. That, absolutely, is false. To see them in the field is to see a team bereft. Stokes’s hands grasp his head as an edge flies through the slips and he sinks to his knees when a chance goes begging.
This is a man who has made cricketing miracles his own domain – and this was meant to be the last one. But, as everyone should know coming to Australia, this is where best-laid plans come to die.
Photograph by Santanu Banik/MB Media/Getty Images