Cleaning up the mess of Thomas Tuchel’s England World Cup plans

So much love last week for the litter-pick organised by the Japan supporters at Wembley. “Class” was overwhelmingly the verdict, as images circulated of visiting fans with bin liners performing a systematic post-match sweep of the away section, with kudos going especially to the younger members of the party shown getting down under the seats to clear up popcorn.

But then, it’s Japan. It’s what they do – in Russia in 2018, in Qatar in 2022, and now in London. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, the team will have been tidying the dressing room, leaving it as they found it, except with the addition of an origami crane, left to wish their hosts good luck.

Class indeed. Yet even while delightedly praising this exemplary behaviour, some commentators spotted a window for unflattering comparisons with our own nation’s conduct in this area: our sloppy nonchalance, our entitled assumption that we can drop all the popcorn at Wembley that we like because someone will be along with a broom later.

And where the conversation took this self-flagellatory turn, I must confess I experienced a flicker of protective indignation. Are we so bad? What about Keep Britain Tidy and its Great British Spring Clean initiative, just ended, wherein half a million “Litter Heroes” took 451,887 bags of rubbish off the streets in two weeks?

And what about those of us reared on Trumpton, where Mr Craddock, the park keeper, and his Litter Song (“leave litter in the litter bins and never leave a mess”; absolute banger; Freddie Phillips featuring Brian Cant) instilled cast-iron values in an entire generation going forward, and not just in football stadiums?

Plus who eats popcorn at the football? Not me.But no, there’s no point pretending: different level from Japan, definitely.

I’m reminded how one of my children once left a solitary Skittle on the ledge in front of their seat at the ground where we watch football, just to see if it would still be there when we turned up for the next game, a fortnight later. It was. True, it was significantly weatherbeaten and some of its chemical colouring seemed to have leached slightly into the concrete. But it was intact and probably perfectly edible, although in what was with hindsight an excess of parental caution, I seem to remember arguing against doing so. I say excess of caution because, when you think about it, a Skittle which has had the chance to absorb some air and some dew is plausibly a more organic and less threatening thing for a child, or anyone else, to ingest than one just out of the packet.

Anyway, in a Japanese football ground, one senses, that Skittle wouldn’t have been allowed to linger for half an hour, let alone half a month, although, ironically, I bet you would have had no hesitation eating it off the stadium’s surface had it somehow done so.

If we can’t compete with that selfless civic energy (and I think there’s a lot of evidence by now that we probably can’t), let’s at least try to collaborate with it. I’ve certainly got another Wembley chore that I’d be keen to ask our Japanese guests to have a look at the next time they’re in, if they have a minute. It’s this: would they politely help the England Band tidy away their instruments? I don’t mean after the match, I mean before it. And could they then respectfully escort the band’s members to the Empire Way car park where nobody at the football can hear them? I think many watching would appreciate the gesture, culturally speaking.

Bit opportunistic? Maybe. But even last week it was tempting to ask the visitors if, once they were done at the away end, they would pitch in to clear away the spillage from Thomas Tuchel’s crushed World Cup build-up – the shredded Plan Bs and sketches of potential formations featuring Phil Foden that were left on the floor that night with the wet towels and the Wembley popcorn.

Then again, there’s a limit to what you can ask your guests before it looks like you’re taking advantage.

And anyway, that’s Tuchel’s mess, isn’t it? He can pick it up himself.

Photograph by Richard Baker/In Pictures via Getty