Tense? Worried? Fearful, even? You’re not alone. It’s a difficult time for many of us – this one day of the year when we have to pretend to understand American football.
Trust me, year after year, many of us in the UK set our jaws, draw a deep breath and say to ourselves: “OK, this is the one. This year I’m really going to concentrate. This time I’m absolutely going to know my wide receiver from my line of scrimmage. And this year when I open a conversation with the line, ‘What about those Seahawks, then?’, I’m going to sound like someone who genuinely knows what they’re talking about rather than some Limey bluffer who watched all five seasons of Friday Night Lights and thinks he ‘gets’ the culture.
“Heck, this may even be the Super Bowl when I not only finally understand just what the hell is going on, but I actually enjoy some of it. And not just the half-time show, which is the easy bit. Or most years anyway.”
And next thing? Next thing it’s 2.15am and someone in America is talking about a flag on the play in coffin corner and we’ve already dropped off twice and we seem to have dribbled on a cushion and we’re giving up and going to bed.
Is this you, too, steeling yourself yet again to go through the Super Bowl because you feel you ought to? Sit down next to us. We have long years of experience of waking up on the sofa at various points during various Super Bowls and deciding to abandon them and read about it the next day instead, and we’re here to share what we’ve learned.
Some tips and tricks, if you will, towards forcing your way right to the end of this impenetrable spectacle, which we’ve also managed a couple of times, though admittedly only because journalistic duties obliged us. So have this piece alongside you as you watch. Maybe roll up a printed version into a sharp point and use it to jab yourself in the thigh at moments when your focus is waning. Stay with it. Together we’ll get there.
First off, some basic orientation. You’re going to be hearing a lot about how tonight’s Super Bowl is the 60th. But, just to be clear, that means the 60th Super Bowl ever, not the 60th Super Bowl you have watched, however much it’s going to feel like that near the end.
Similarly, there will be a lot of talk about the game being divided into quarters. This is true, up to a point – except that each Super Bowl has a minimum of 17 quarters. And each of them lasts anything from 10 minutes to an entire afternoon. Be ready for that.
“How long is this thing going on for?” you may find yourself asking at one, or indeed many, points. Tough one. The shortest ever Super Bowl was Super Bowl XLIV between the New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts, which lasted three hours and 14 minutes in 2010, which is even longer than Avatar: Way of Water.
The longest ever Super Bowl was Super Bowl XLVII between the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers which started in 2012 and is still going on. History isn’t much help here. You may just have to strap in and live with the uncertainty in this regard.
Newsletters
Choose the newsletters you want to receive
View more
For information about how The Observer protects your data, read our Privacy Policy
Don’t really know any of the players at this point? Don’t worry. Remember that each of them (about 700 per team, normally) will be separately introduced on to the pitch before the match, most likely performing a dramatic sprint through a receiving line of choreographed dancers and fireworks. It’s important to enjoy that, by the way, because it’s the furthest you’ll see these people run in one go all night.
Finally, a quick guide to strips. The ones in the white shirts this year will be the New England Patriots. The ones in the navy shirts will be the Seattle Seahawks. And the ones in the brown shirts will be Donald Trump’s anti-immigration militia.
There. You’re all set. This is the year, you know it is. Get in there and understand the Super Bowl.
Photograph by Harold M Lambert/Getty Images