Hullo Britain. I hope you enjoyed my interview in last weekend’s Observer. In it, I shared that I “never worried about the future of our country under a Tory government”.
Sure, the Tories were responsible for austerity, Brexit, Covid corruption and the Rwanda plan. But at least they weren’t divisive. Reform’s a different story. It wants to brutalise migrants in a racist way. Labour wants to brutalise migrants in a civilised, progressive way. And don’t get me started on Nato-hating drug pusher Zack Polanski…
Anyway, it’s back to normal this week, so bring on your questions!
Dear Keir, my girlfriend keeps texting her ex. She insists that it’s harmless, but I still feel insecure. Am I overreacting?
Osbert, Skipton
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Hi Osbert. I’ve never been concerned about a partner cheating (once you go Keir, the rest disappear), but I can empathise. You see, Labour members are hung up on a guy from their past: Ed Miliband. According to a recent YouGov poll, 55% hold a favourable view of the energy secretary, as opposed to -3% for yours truly. There’s even talk of him replacing me as leader.
Seriously – Ed Miliband? Has the membership forgotten what he’s like? They were together five years, during which he embarrassed them with his nasal voice and weird eating technique. They spent most of their time fantasising about his brother!
Sure, Ed had a #Milifandom who called him “Milibae”, while there’s no Keir-munity of Starmer Stans. And sure, he’s got that Louis Theroux “sexy nerd” thing. But why would people prefer an election loser to a guy with a stonking majority? Stonking! What’s more, Red Ed wasn’t even red. Remember the anti-migrant mug? That hubristic slab? Who’s the real champion of the working class, someone whose dad was a Marxist intellectual, or someone whose dad was – all together now – a toolmaker?
Sorry, I got a bit wound up there. My advice is to have an open and honest discussion with your girlfriend. Without accusing her of anything, make your boundaries and expectations clear. And if she does decide to leave you for a tree-hugging geek, that’s her loss.
Dear Keir, I’m a former student activist who now works in the corporate sector. I’ve just been offered a well-paid job at a company I used to campaign against. Would accepting it make me a sellout?
Michelle, Bootle
Michelle, I get where you’re coming from. I’m often accused of selling out, when nothing could be further from the truth. It’s not that I’ve abandoned my principles – one’s politics evolve as one gets older. For instance, when I was a stripling of 59, I believed tuition fees should be scrapped. But when I reached the ripe old age of 60, I thought better of it. See also: nationalisation, taxes on the top 5%, green investment, Leveson 2, abolishing the Lords, and the universality of human rights. It’s been quite the journey!
So no, I don’t think it’s wrong to take a job somewhere dodgy. It’s noble, if anything, because then you can change the system from inside. Some would argue that the system is more likely to change you. Well, that wasn’t the case with Sir Keir Starmer KCB KC.
I’m teaming up with billionaires to advance the class struggle
Point is, to achieve change, you need to work alongside those who prevent it. That’s why I’m teaming up with billionaires and hedge-fund managers to advance the class struggle. You’re welcome.
Before I go, I should remind the reader that I recently joined TikTok. My account is @keirstarmer (@sonoftoolmaker was taken), so give it a follow. In the coming weeks, I plan to participate in dance trends, do makeup tutorials and lip-sync to Neil Kinnock.
For the moment, you can enjoy clips of me shuffling around No 10 or hugging President Zelensky (a treat for the fangirls).
With content this fine, I’ll soon be one of the top accounts on the platform, alongside Charli D’Amelio, Bella Poarch and MrBeast. I can then convert my 100 million followers into an army of sensible centrists, getting gen A hyped for incrementalism. To achieve this, I’ll do whatever it takes: feet pics, a tasteful OnlyFans, Starmer ASMR. Embarrassing perhaps, but nowhere near as cringe as The Liz Truss Show.