Dear Keir: How do I keep my kids on the straight and narrow?

Anyway, enough sports talk – it’s question time.

Dear Keir, my teenager is secretly vaping. Should I confront him about it?Zadie, Wivenhoe

Thanks, Zadie. It’s a delicate balancing act, keeping your kids on the straight and narrow without smothering them. For instance, a friend of mine was recently cleaning her teenager’s room when she found, hidden under the mattress, a copy of Owen Jones’s The Establishment. Naturally, she’s worried about the lad getting into leftwing ideology.

I told her not to panic – it’s common for young people to experiment with Marxism. I dabbled myself (nothing mad, just a bit of Ralph Miliband at parties). But you have to be careful with so-called “gateway theorists”. Before you know it, you’re trying the hard stuff: Gramsci, Adorno, Marcuse. Eventually, you find yourself slumped in some alleyway, OD-ing on Louis Althusser’s Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses.

My advice is to engage your child in a full and frank discussion of their behaviour. Without being judgmental, explain to them the dangers of vaping/socialism (lung damage, not getting a knighthood, etc). One day, when they’re a happy, healthy centrist, they’ll be grateful that you stuck your oar in.

Dear Keir, I’m a Navy vet and former trade envoy who is constantly subjected to appalling calumnies. And people call me names – why? Because I was friends with a certain island-based financier. It’s enough to put one off one’s Pizza Express.

I’ve become an outcast, persona non grata, mateless since Maitlis. Gone are my titles, my patronages, and the ten thousand men I used to march up and down a hill. Meanwhile, The Firm wants nothing to do with me. I’m not someone who sweats the small stuff – for a long time, I couldn’t sweat at all – but this familial froideur is painful. What should one do? Andrew, Windsor

Hi Andrew, sorry you’re going through that. I certainly know what it’s like to deal with disapproving relatives. My dad, who I can exclusively reveal was a toolmaker, expected me to follow in his footsteps. But I had to be true to myself. (Dad also wanted me to be a socialist – tough luck, Rodney!)

I’ll be honest, your highness: I’m not quite sure how to approach your question. On the one hand, you’re part of the establishment, and my instinct is always to defer to that.

On the other, you’re incredibly toxic (most people think you should be detained at your brother’s pleasure). So I’ll split the difference and give you some tough-ish love.

If you want to reconcile with your family, you need to stop dragging them through the sewer. You should immediately vacate Royal Lodge and begin a life of quiet exile – the fewer people remember you exist, the better. This will mean forgoing all official engagements and glitzy events.

It’ll be tough, but at least you’ll have time to pursue your (legal) interests. Plus, you can always take Fergie.

By the way, you’re not the first Epstein associate to write in to this column – I’ve also heard from President Trump and Peter “Petie” Mandelson. Small world, eh? If I didn’t know better, I’d say that rich, powerful men exist within networks where some members engage in corruption, exploitation and sexual depravity!

Right, time for a postmortem on Labour’s defeat in the Welsh byelection. You might say the people of Caerphilly were cheesed off! But I won’t, in case it makes things worse. Is this a rebuke to my grown-up brand of politics? No – Plaid Cymru cheated by telling voters life could be better. That’s populism, and I would never dream of being popular. Just ask Lucy Powell...

Yours strategically,

Keir xxx

As told to Lucien Young