Dear Keir: I have been forced into endless U-turns and now poll worse than most STIs

Hullo Britain. I love a grave speech, and last Monday’s – about the US threatening to tariff us over Greenland – was a humdinger. It allowed me to put on my most serious face and use words like “untulligence” and “capabullity”. I spoke of this country’s commitment to international law – right up to the point it might annoy President Trump. The subtext was that Britain would be screwed if we so much as said boo to the American goose. Consequently, no provocation could stop us licking Donald’s boot. You can’t spell “cuck” without UK!

By PMQs on Wednesday, I’d hardened my rhetoric, vowing not to “yield” regarding Greenland’s sovereignty. It might have been a tough session had someone pressed me on what this meant in practice. Would I wage a trade war? Send in the Royal Navy? Wrestle Trump on the White House lawn for control of the disputed territory? Fortunately, my inquisitor was Kemi Badenoch, so I got through unscathed. As one of Britain’s most frequently scathed individuals, it made a nice change.

I’m between crisis meetings right now at the moment, so let’s take a few questions…

Dear Keir, I thought that by my late 30s, I would have an established career, own a house and be married with kids. None of those things has happened. How can I stop feeling like a failure?

Herbert, Swadlincote

Ah, Herbert. However successful we are in conventional terms, there’s bound to be a gap between achievement and expectation. For instance, when I won the election, I thought I could sort everything out by being grown up. I was Mr Forensic, the political centre’s great grey hope, poised to restore sanity after years of Tory misrule. Instead, I’ve been forced into endless U-turns and now poll worse than most STIs. Cabinet colleagues are eyeing my back, wondering how many knives could fit in it.

But just because you’re failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I’ve got ages until the next election. In both cases, that’s plenty of time to turn things around. For instance, I could do something so incredibly sensible that it reverses decades of British decline and catapults me to the top rank of prime ministers. We’re both going to make it – I have to believe that.

Dear Keir, my uncle is always sharing fake news on Facebook. Should I correct him or let sleeping dogs lie?

Bryan, Chepstow

Hi Bryan. As pedantic as it may seem, you should always call this sort of thing out. I’m constantly grappling with misinformation, especially online. For instance, people say that I’m “bad at being prime minister”, “aloof and dismissive”, and “a catspaw of the Labour right”. I mean really, where do they come up with this stuff? No doubt the majority of my detractors are bots or Russian agents. Nice try, Dmitri!

Let me tackle some of the conspiracy theories head on. No, I’m not working for MI5, Mossad or the CIA. No, I’m not a shapeshifting reptilian from the star system Alpha Draconis. And no, Quadrature Capital wasn’t expecting anything in return when it gave Labour £4m during the 2024 election. It’s just a normal, patriotic, quantitative trading and investment firm – one that happens to think I’m a great bloke.

I suggest you push your uncle to rely on reputable news sources. For instance, if you want the unvarnished truth about me, consult Labour Party press releases, my X account, or the columns of Polly Toynbee and Paul Mason. If your uncle continues to consume fake news, stage an intervention. This may cause social or familial awkwardness, but you have a sacred duty to uphold the truth. Unless, of course, the truth conflicts with a higher cause, like becoming prime minister or keeping the US onside.

That’s all for now. Here’s hoping the American eagle doesn’t peck my eyes out in the coming days. As I put it during my Greenland speech: “We must use every tool of government – domestic and international – to fight for the interests of ordinary people.” And if anyone’s capable of using every tool, it’s me, the son of a guy who made tools. A toolmaker, if you will.

Yours unbendingly,

Keir xxx