Dear Keir: Ideally, citizens should have to apply to me for free speech credits

I should lay off the Conservative party. It’s not fair to kick someone when they’re down. Or, in this case, dead and partially decomposed.

Dear Keir,

I manage a cafe, and my Gen Z employee always wears badges for various causes. It’s not that I have a problem with gays or the environment, but I don’t want to alienate customers who do. Am I within my rights to object?

Alec, Penrith

Alec, I feel your pain. I can’t stand people bringing politics into the workplace, whether it’s a cafe or the House of Commons. I believe in free speech, of course, but you can have too much of a good thing. For example, pensioners taking the mick on Gaza. My home secretary, Shabana Mahmood, put it nicely: “Just because you have a freedom doesn’t mean to say that you have to use it at every moment of every day.”

In an ideal world, British citizens would apply to the government for free speech credits. That way the state could make clear when the public is allowed to protest against it. For now, we’re giving police greater power to shut down demonstrations. And if the increasingly thinkable happens, and Nigel Farage becomes PM, I’m sure Reform won’t use that legislation for anything sinister.

All of this is to say I support your crackdown on badge-wearing. Alternatively, you could pursue a compromise. Why not suggest that your employee scratch their social justice itch by sporting badges that you approve? These would bear neutral – but still powerful – messages: “DOWN WITH BAD THINGS”, “I SUPPORT NICENESS”, etc. Catchy, without being divisive.

Dear Keir,

I can’t stop comparing myself to acquaintances on Instagram. Seeing their perfect kids, glamorous holidays and gym-toned arses wreaks havoc on my self-esteem. How can I break this habit?

Jas, Uppingham

Jas, I understand where you’re coming from. I have a similar issue – not the arse thing, more general feelings of inadequacy. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How can you feel inadequate? You’re Keir bloody Starmer!” First of all, it’s Keir Rodney Starmer. Second, even PMs get jealous. Instead of friends on social media, I measure myself against the last Labour leader to win an election: Tony Blair. And, more often than not, I’m unhappy with the results.

Sure, Tony and I have a lot in common. We both sidelined the Labour left, fired Peter Mandelson for corruption, and supported controversial military action in the Middle East. But that’s where things start to break down. He was elected with 418 MPs, while I scraped in with 412. It took him 10 years – and a whole Iraq war – to become widely hated. I managed that in a few months (I’m told gamers call this a “speedrun”).

Plus, I lack his trim figure, wild-eyed charisma, and millions of pounds from extremely chill places like Kazakhstan and the UAE.

When you catch yourself thinking like this, snap out of it. There’s no point obsessing about other people. Just focus on what makes you amazing. So what if Tony’s landslide was bigger than mine? It’s not the size of your majority that counts, it’s what you do with it. I’ve used mine to pass groundbreaking, country-fixing legislation. For instance, there’s … Blast, we’re out of time!

Before I go, I should address the ceasefire brokered by my friend and hero, President Trump. As Donald truthed on Wednesday evening, there is now the prospect of “Everlasting Peace” in the Middle East. Only he could have achieved this, bringing together the savage barbarians of Hamas and the brave Israelis, who may, at times, have gone a bit far.

Naturally, he should win the Nobel Peace prize, if not the ones in Literature and Physics. Here’s hoping he mentions me in his acceptance speech.Yours optimistically,