Ho Ho Hullo Britain! Keir here, wishing you Christmas cheer. Allow me to don my floppy red hat and bushy white beard, thus becoming Starmer Claus. Readers have been very good this year, so it’s time for your present. What’s inside my bulging sack? That’s right: questions!
Dear Keir, I often feel unappreciated by friends, family and colleagues. How can I communicate this without sounding needy or resentful?
Brenda, Halifax
Brenda, I know just what you mean. You do everything that’s expected of you, slog your guts out day and night but, for some reason, your back remains patless. I must admit, this question hits close to home (10 Downing Street). I left a glittering career in law for a life of public service. I changed the Labour party and delivered a stonking majority. And I consistently wear suits and look grown up on the world stage.
Yet despite this laundry list of achievements, polling suggests I’m the least popular PM ever.
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Let that sink in: two of my predecessors were Boris Johnson and Liz Truss. One’s a horny schoolboy who did Brexit and partied through lockdown. The other’s a YouTuber who makes David Icke sound like David Dimbleby. What have I done that even approaches her economy-crashing mini-budget? I’m not asking to be graded on a curve, but at least I didn’t burn down the school.
So yes, I understand your frustration. My advice is to share how you feel, but do it in a non-accusatory way – the last thing you want is to seem passive-aggressive. As for me, I’ll be fine. If the country dislikes my approach, that’s their prerogative. Some people find wise, methodical governance boring. I’m sure they’ll be entertained once Nigel Farage is in office, gutting the NHS and banning Arabic numerals. They won’t miss dreary Keir…
Dear Keir, I just started a new job as an overnight security guard. There’s a lot of time to fill, so I was wondering whether you could recommend some podcasts.
Cedric, Swindon
Great question! I’m a fan of political podcasts like The Rest is Politics, Political Currency and Electoral Dysfunction. Their appeal lies in the format: politicos from opposing sides – Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart, for instance – come together to discuss current affairs. I know what you’re thinking: how can leftist firebrand Campbell bear to be in a studio with far-right agitator Stewart? You’d think they’d beat the crap out of each other. But somehow these two rich, white, male, middle-aged Oxbridge graduates make it work.
I could host a solo pod, Keir in Your Ear, with more of a WTF vibe
The same is true of Political Currency hosts George Osborne and Ed Balls. Ed’s the former shadow chancellor, a dyed-in-the-wool Labour man, while George’s austerity programme caused an estimated 300,000 deaths. Nevertheless, they’re able to put their differences aside and peddle insight to an audience of centrist dads. It’s almost as though their epic rivalry in the Commons was for show, and Labour and the Conservatives are two cheeks of the same arse. They’re just that good!
I may well start a podcast of my own some day. After all, I won’t be PM forever – just until 2034. Perhaps I’ll join forces with an arch-nemesis, someone who challenges my deepest-held beliefs. Someone like Ed Davey. Just imagine: two sirs going at it, no holds barred. Other politicians would shy away from such gladiatorial combat, but not Keir Starmer. As my dad used to say, “iron sharpens iron” (an old toolmaker proverb).
Alternatively, I could host a solo pod, Keir in Your Ear, with more of a WTF vibe. Each week I’d talk to a fascinating guest – Pat McFadden, say, or Adrian Chiles – on subjects I’m passionate about: Arsenal, the legal profession, all sorts of things. The first few episodes would see me rocket up the charts, past The Joe Rogan Experience, The Diary of A CEO and Call Her Daddy. No doubt my live shows would sell out the O2.
Righto, I’d better wrap my kids’ presents. They asked for an iPad and a Nintendo Switch, so they’re getting an Etch A Sketch and a hula hoop. As with the BMA, you can’t just give people what they want. Compromise is the greatest gift of all!
Yours beneficently,
Keir xxx