Dear Keir: ‘Something about me drives female colleagues wild’

But enough about my problems. Let’s turn to yours…

Dear Keir, I’m a zookeeper specialising in ungulates. At lunch, I often sit next to a guy from reptiles and amphibians. We’re both single, and there’s a definite spark. Should I pursue this workplace crush or keep things professional? 
Cass, Dundee

Cass, my advice is to leave well enough alone. You shouldn’t mix business and pleasure, because then you get “bleasure” or “pizness”, both of which sound silly. I’ve spent a career dodging office romances like Neo dodges bullets in The Matrix. I don’t know whether it’s my snazzy suits, my alluring nasality or my industrial-strength pheromones, but something about me drives female colleagues wild. When I was a barrister, I’d be reviewing briefs while they imagined my briefs.

That’s why No 10 advisers are overwhelmingly male. It’s not that I’m running a “boy’s club” — I just don’t want to break any hearts. Because I never accept advances, no matter how much ladies plead. Firstly, I’m married. Secondly, we can’t deliver change if everyone in government is busy having Mad Men-style affairs. Just look at Matt Hancock.

I recommend you maintain a platonic relationship with your lizard man. Incidentally, this is the third week in a row that I’ve received a question from a zookeeper. It’s a remarkable coincidence (indeed, I was just able to remark on it). If I didn’t know better, I’d say these questions were a vain attempt at humour.

Dear Keir, I find it hard to bond with my teenage daughter. She’s always in her room, listening to Korean music and watching YouTube videos about someone called Jung Kook. How can I make her talk to me?
Jasper, Bishop Auckland

Hi Jasper. I suggest you engage with the girl’s interests. I’m not an expert on K-pop, though obviously I know the big names: BTS, Psy, Blackpink (speaking of, Jennie, Lisa, Rosé and Jisoo are playing Wembley in August. If any corporations want to offer me a backstage pass, I wouldn’t say no…). My favourite group at the moment is Twice (Jihyo is my bias, with Dahyun and Chaeyoung as bias wreckers). I mainly stan third-gen idols, though I like what I’ve seen of Illit, NewJeans and Le Sserafim. Again, I’m not an expert: my awareness of BoyNextDoor, Riize et al is normal for a 62-year-old prime minister.

So yes, I recommend diving headfirst into Seoul music. Even if you don’t connect with your daughter, you’ll discover plenty of toe-tapping tunes. I often listen to BigBang’s Bang Bang Bang while preparing for PMQs. G-Dragon’s aggressive flow, paired with bombastic beats courtesy of Teddy Park, gives me the swagger I need to take on Kemi Badenoch. I’ll send you a Spotify playlist.

Dear Keir, my boyfriend said my penmanship was mediocre, which really hurt my feelings. How can I cultivate a thicker skin?
Lily-Rose, Yarm

If there’s one thing I know about, Lily-Rose, it’s dealing with abuse. I’m constantly subjected to personal attacks. For instance, I get called an NPC on X, the everything app. NPC is a gaming term that stands for “non-player character”, which is to say one controlled by the game’s AI. This is deeply unfair. I’m not some automaton incapable of independent thought. I don’t cycle through stock phrases like — I don’t know — “changed Labour party”, “tough choices” and “my dad was a toolmaker”. No, I’m the star of the video game: a Mario, a Sonic, a Crash Bandicoot.

It’s all well and good my telling you to ignore this stuff, but that’s easier said than done. I find it helpful to separate valid criticism from noises off. The former includes “Keir, you’re too sensible”, “you’re improving the lives of working people too much” and “that sexy silver coif distracts from your speeches”. Harsh but fair. Anything more negative can be rejected out of hand.

Right, I’m off. It’s the last day of this parliamentary session, so MPs are allowed to bring in toys. Wes Streeting has been showing off his Yomega Fireball, performing such tricks as “walk the dog” and “around the world”. David Lammy knocked over Rachel Reeves’s Jenga tower and now she’s crying her eyes out.

I’ll see you in a week’s time. Until then, persevere with Keir! (Snappy slogan, right? We’re thinking of using it at the next election.)

As told to Lucien Young