Hullo Britain. It’s been quite the week! The Mandelson scandal (or “Scandelson”) continues to rock No 10. In a bid to defuse accusations of Peter-philia, I jettisoned my chief of staff, Morgan McSweeney. Morgan will be fine – I’ll make him Lord McSweeney in my resignation honours, and he’ll be hosting a podcast with Dominic Cummings in no time. I’m more worried about myself. I fended off an attack by pound-shop Macbeth Anas Sarwar, but the peril remains.
Keir appreciators are thin on the ground these days, especially ones in their 20s
Keir appreciators are thin on the ground these days, especially ones in their 20s
The only thing saving me is the inadequacy of my rivals. People are bigging up Al Carns, for goodness’ sake! I had to Google the guy to find out he’s minister for the armed forces. Meanwhile, hacks are tripping over themselves to write my obituary. I’ve been called “decent” (Daily Mail), “decent” (Guardian), “decent” (LBC) and “decent” (Times). It might be nice to get the occasional “competent”, “smart” or “possessed of overwhelming sexual magnetism…”
Ah well, time for your questions. Hope my answers are “decent”!
Dear Keir, I’m 28, unemployed and the world’s No 1 Keir Starmer superfan. I know all your speeches off by heart, and I’m considering getting your face tattooed on my chest. Weirdly, my family have staged multiple interventions. Should I ignore them?
Ralph, Ilkeston
Hi Ralph. In normal circumstances, I’d agree with your family – this fixation is unhealthy, and you should consider therapy. That said, Keir appreciators are thin on the ground these days, especially ones in their 20s. Most young people resent me telling them good things aren’t possible (it’s been said I put the “no” in ‘“technocrat”). As a result, I’ll take all the Starmer Stans I can get.
Why shouldn’t I have devoted followers? Lots of public figures boast intense fanbases: Beyoncé, BTS, Taylor Swift. What do they have that I don’t? I suppose they’re all musicians. And, to be fair, Ms Swift is charismatic. I was lucky enough to see TayTay in concert – thanks, Universal Music Group – and related to her lyrics about haters. MPs are taking shots at Starmer like it’s Patrón. However, people throw rocks at Keirs that shine…
Come to think of it, my fandom needs an official name. Justin has his Beliebers, Lady Gaga her Little Monsters. Maybe Starmer diehards could be called Toolz, in reference to what my dad made.
Anyway, Ralph, I’m glad you appreciate moderation and pragmatism. Perhaps you can induct others into the cult of Keir. I’d rather you didn’t get that tattoo, though. What if you put on loads of weight and it stretches my face out like a funhouse mirror?
Dear Keir, I just broke up with my long-term partner, and I’m not sure I can survive without them. Am I being hysterical?
Padma, Rusholme
Padma, I’m no stranger to painful partings. I’ll keep names out of it, but I recently ended things with someone close to me. Suffice it to say, the situation got messy.
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Though this person is usually soft-spoken, he started bellowing in his Hibernian brogue: “You can’t dump me, I’m the brains of this outfit! I’ve been puppeteering you like the rat from Ratatouille! Who devised our genius strategy of lying to people?!”
My ex-colleague made me feel like I was nothing, which led to one or two dark nights of the soul. Then I realised that he was gaslighting. Sir Keir Starmer is nobody’s puppet – I have a brilliant political mind all of my own. So don’t worry, Padma: you can definitely survive. Just like me.
Now to return to fighting for my job. Despite the furore, I fancy my chances. As I told the PLP on Monday, I’ve won every fight I’ve ever been in. Except for Brexit, Hartlepool, Runcorn and Helsby, welfare reform, etc. Point is, I’m well hard. Wes Streeting’s welcome to step outside. Feeling brave, big man?
Plus, there’s an upside to everyone writing you off. If Andy Burnham’s the “king in the north”, I see myself as a different Game of Thrones character – tortured eunuch Theon Greyjoy. Bear in mind the motto of House Greyjoy: “What is dead may never die.” This certainly applies to premierships. When your net favourability rating is -57, you have nothing more to fear!
Yours defiantly,
Keir xxx