‘I’m as horny as hell when the times comes’: my week as a giant panda

I’m a peaceful sort of bear, as you’d expect from a vegetarian, but there’s one thing that makes me wild, and that’s the way humans insist on thinking all of us pandas are useless at life. And when it comes to their favourite bit of nonsense for this preposterous statement – that we don’t really like sex – well, the blood of a macho panda like me is entitled to boil.

Monday

Finicky feeders, apparently. No one calls a grazing animal finicky; it’s accepted that they just eat lots of grass. Well, bamboo is a grass and it’s almost literally true that I can’t get enough of it. Where bamboo is plentiful, we feed all day long, taking in vast quantities, sucking out the scanty goodness and going for a dump about 40 times day.

Tuesday

And they reckon we’re primitive. Certain primates I could mention are frightfully proud of their opposable thumb and reckon it’s their USP. Well, look at the way I hold my bamboo. Notice anything? Like my thumb? And its opposable nature? We’re as beautifully adapted as any ape, and I mean any. I’m a vegetarian carnivore and that’s not a paradox. I belong to the order Carnivora and I eat bamboo. You think that’s stupid? How often do you see bamboo running away?

Wednesday

They had this weird delusion that pandas are so pathetic we can’t survive without human help; that our only hope for the future was to be kidnapped and stuck in zoos to be gawped at. The real problem was that humans destroyed most of our bamboo forests, pushing us to higher ground and sub-optimal habitat. No wonder we were struggling. It wasn’t human intervention we needed – it was human withdrawal.

Thursday

I’m not cute. I have a savage bite when needed and I’m as horny as hell when the time comes. Humans think anything with a big round head and huge eyes is cute – look at Mickey bloody Mouse. My head is round because it houses a set of serious bite muscles and my eye-patches are for signalling to fellow pandas at a distance. I’m about as cute as a rhinoceros.

Friday

Forgive me, I’ve been getting a bit strident. But today wasn’t a day for arguing. Our females are up for sex for just a couple of days a year and today was one of them. Do you really think we need human help for this? My lover and I were together for three glorious hours. In that time we did the great deed 48 times. Some humans don’t manage that in a year.

Saturday

Think about it. We pandas have survived for 20 million years without the help of humans, so it’s just possible that we do something right every now and again. Of late, humans have wised up. We have more – and better – to live: last I checked, there were 67 panda reserves. The point is simple: pandas are really good at being pandas – as long as we’re given the chance.

Giant panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) CV

Lifespan 20 years, with luck

Eating habits Bamboo, glorious bamboo

Hobbies Forestry

Sexual preferences She’s gorgeous, yes – but not cute

Photograph by VCG via Getty Images