Each week, Simon Barnes hears what the past seven days have been like for a member of the animal kingdom
You don’t know bout me less you read a book by the name Life on the Mississippi but that ain’t no matter. That book was made by Mr Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly: I always liked how he wrote so I take up his style. He wrote bout them alligator boats and how they killed plenty alligators. They killed so many there warn’t any left to kill, hardly. And I reckon they would a killed them all if they could.
Monday
I was lying out on a good beach that day, and I was powerful lazy and comfortable. Basking, we call it. Warming up the blood so’s we can move kind of swift if we want to. But I didn’t want to that day. I jist laid there. It warn’t no problem.
Tuesday
Lying in the warmth I got to thinking bout the spring. It warn’t so peaceful back then. Us alligators, we got a bellow on us you can hear a mile off, and at times I was bellowing so hard you might a heard me at two. That’s love that is. I bet I was right pleased to see her and she was kind of pleased to see me. I reckon there’s going to be more alligators round these parts and pooty soon too.
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Good eating today. Fish is better eating than humans, though I ain’t particular
Wednesday
Them humans, they act like they is real scared of us. And sure I got to admit we kill one or two occasional. Well, there’s just so many humans round the rivers and the levees and the ponds and the swamps these days, it’s hard to keep free of them. It’s what they call sivilizing. But we don’t mean no harm. Jist a little biting, that’s all. Sides, they killed more of us than we’ll ever kill of them.
Thursday
Good eating today. Fish is better eating than humans, though I ain’t particular. Come and have a drink, lil deer, never mind that old log floating by. Some say we got two speeds: stop and warp. I can bite that drinker most before he get his face wet. And when it comes to biting, we is world champions. I can bite a turtle in half afore that turtle know I’m biting.
Friday
Basking gives a body a tolerable big piece of time for thinking. And I was thinking bout humans and how first they tried to kill us all so they can make the world powerful sivilized. And then they get to missing having us around and they say, we need more alligators. We is sivilized people and to be sivilized you need nature and all kinds a wild things. So they leave off hunting us and soon enough they got more gators. It warn’t hard. We jist come natural.
Saturday
But now they get to building big houses down by my stretch of the river, and it gets so dismal regular and decent I got to light out. Them humans, they aim to sivilize me – and I can’t stand it. I been there afore.
American alligator CV
Lifespan A good 50 years
Eating habits Fish, all kinds of other stuff
Hobbies Basking
Sexual preferences I’m into leather
Photograph by Alie Skowronski/Miami Herald
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