Keir is off this week owing to unforeseen circumstances. Fortunately, his ever-loyal health secretary has volunteered to take his place…
Greetings from Streeting! Yes, it’s Wes the Wonder Kid. If you haven’t heard of me, I should probably sack my comms team. Ha! But seriously, here’s a potted history: I grew up poor, raised by a single mum on a Stepney council estate. Despite these humble beginnings, I went to Selwyn College, Cambridge, where I outgrew my youthful socialism. After graduating, I matured from a baby-faced student politician to a baby-faced regular politician.
Elected MP for Ilford North in 2015, I was soon tipped as a future Labour leader (I did much of the tipping). Today I’m a senior cabinet member, tasked with overseeing our most cherished public service. Still, everything I do is informed by my working-class upbringing – when I attack the BMA or accept nearly £400,000 in donations linked to private health, I’m thinking of the little guy.
Not everyone’s a fan. I’ve been called an “oleaginous careerist”, a “vat-grown Blairite” and a “smarmier Starmer”. People accuse me, unfairly, of naked ambition. For instance, on Tuesday, No 10 briefed journalists that I’m plotting a leadership challenge against Sir Keir. What makes them think I even want the job? Me, prime minister? Yuck.
Oh, and just because I’m filling in for Keir doesn’t mean I want his column. Would I take it on, grudgingly, if it were in The Observer’s best interests? Yes. Anyway, let’s get to your questions!
Dear Wes, my mate caught me gossiping behind her back. Now she won’t speak to me. How can I make amends?
Wilhelmina, Middlesbrough
I don’t want to be harsh, Wilhelmina, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s fake people. The kind who praise you in public and bash you in private. Perhaps I’m sensitive due to my line of work. At Westminster, you’re surrounded by dead-eyed opportunists and two-faced psychopaths. Life is a game to these people – who’s up and who’s down, who’s in and who’s out. They’d stick a kitten in a blender for a junior ministerial position.
That political stuff just isn’t Wes. I learned the art of honesty from heroes like Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson. You won’t catch me engaging in subterfuge to tighten my grip on power. As the Americans say, I keep it a buck (76p at the current exchange rate). Plus, I don’t have time for machinations – I’m too busy saving our NHS. Which, come to think of it, is how a PM should behave…
But that doesn’t answer your question. Look, maybe it’s best that you drop this friend. After all, relationships can get in the way of your rise to the top. Move on, and if you have to gossip, at least do so at the expense of factional opponents.
Dear Wes, I have a stressful job and struggle to relax at the end of the day. How do you wind down?
Fergus, Ilkley
Ooh, good question. After a hard day’s work, I like to chill out with a lager beer (the most relatable beverage, according to focus groups) and binge a box set. Have you seen The West Wing? I’ve loved it since I was a student. I would sit in my college room and fantasise about being leader of the free world. I even made badges reading “Wes for Prez”. Here’s hoping they do a British remake: The Wes Wing.
Otherwise, I listen to The Rest is Politics, analyse my various media appearances, and obsessively update a spreadsheet of stratagems and counter-stratagems. But I don’t want you to think I’m always in work mode. I have a rich inner life, one that extends far beyond my career. For instance, I love a bit of literature. Just last month, I read biographies of Thatcher and Obama, as well as Machiavelli’s The Prince. Oh, and I watch reality TV, hence why I made the same joke about The Celebrity Traitors three times on my morning round.
Right, column done. And I must say I played a blinder. Another win for the boy genius! I hope you enjoyed the inaugural “Wes Sez”. You’re going to be seeing a lot more of me…