Dear Keir: ‘My inclination is to defer to power’

Hullo, Britain. Another tough week. Reform UK – a racist clown car – remains ahead in the polls, while my super-sensible government languishes. Despite our staggering achievements (trade deals, photos of me in a hard hat, etc), voters are obsessed with the cost of living and the collapse of public services.

It feels as though everyone wants rid of ol’ Keir. Perhaps this column will soon be called Ask Ange or Wes Sez.

Still, all is not lost. To reverse the polling slump, McSweeney and the boys have cooked up some policies. Policies that cut through with the public, improve the lives of working people, and – crucially – don’t involve asking Rachel for money.

These include…

• Police to be given authority to tase chuggers.

• Remembrance poppies to be worn throughout November, and have radius of at least six inches.

• “Headphone dodgers” to be drowned out by the national anthem, played on all public transport.

• A-levels in common sense.

• Union jacks to be made in Britain.

• Mandatory respect.

• Death penalty for fly-tipping.

Not too shabby, if I say so myself. Soon Nigel will be retiring to his villa in the south of France while my approval rating hovers between “David Attenborough” and “sex”.

Some argue that I should move left. Fat chance. As the saying goes, when you’re in a hole, keep digging. Eventually, you’ll dig all the way through Earth’s molten core and pop up in New Zealand. And New Zealand isn’t a bad place to be. You know they filmed The Lord of the Rings there? Magnificent landscapes.

Dear Keir, without wanting to out myself, I’m a South African tech billionaire going through a messy breakup.

I did so much for this man: posting epic memes, donating $290m, jumping around onstage like a cool, normal guy. Now he calls me crazy, and pretends I mean nothing to him. I may be the greatest genius in the history of mankind, but last week was a struggle.

Wherever I go, I see his face. Literally: he’s one of the most famous people on Earth. It’s affecting my work, both in the sense that I can’t concentrate and that he threatened my government contracts. It’s like I’m sleepwalking through life. Though that may be the ketamine.

Should I rescue our relationship with a grovelling apology or go back to blowing up rockets and running my baby farm?

Lonnie, Starbase

Thanks, “Lonnie”. By the sound of things, your ex is a powerful man. I recommend doing whatever it takes to get back in his good books. My inclination is always to defer to power (big business, the United States, Britain’s rightwing press). You don’t become a Knight Commander of the British Empire without licking some boot!

Incidentally, Mr Musk, can I just say what a clever pseudonym that is? I’m a huge fan of you and your memes, and I’d be thrilled if you’d accept an invitation to No 10.

I know you accused me of turning Britain into the Soviet Union, but that’s water under the bridge.

Dear Keir, I’m 23 years old and an involuntary celibate. How do I talk to women? Try as I might, I can’t find the cheat code that unlocks female affection.

Ziggy, Hastings

Hi, Ziggy, great to hear from an incel. First of all, I appreciate you getting in touch rather than going on some kind of spree.

Second, you’ve come to the right place. I was always a dab hand with the fairer sex. That’s why they call me Sir Sheer Charmer; and, to a lesser extent, LL Cool K (Ladies Love Cool Keir). It’s been said I’m the man who put the “rod” in Keir Rodney Starmer. Not so much a centrist dad as a centrist daddy.

The fact of the matter is, there’s no secret combination of words to attract women. You just need to find one you like and then engage with her.