Horatio Clare: ‘I’m on a fabulous European safari, in a fabulous old picky-up truck’

A new season: 2%

I woke up here this morning and saw a new day as fair as any spring of life. Oh to be on the Continent, now that spring is in full flow. Skylarks over the ploughed lands, massive turbines above, sometimes cranes. Having pulled off the motorway, I met a farmer called Roeb who has farmed here 40 years. There are storks he says, too. But they don’t go home any more.

The apocalypse: 2%

I have one son aged 13 and another born in January this year. They were born on the same day, many years apart. I asked the elder and two of his mates if they were optimistic. “No!” they all exclaimed, with that dismissive vehemence young people reserve for inexplicably dumb questions. “Why not?” I asked. “Because the planet is screwed and there’s going to be a war!” they shot back. I told them the planet is not screwed yet. Plus, in Putin, Premier Xi and President Trump we have three extraordinary men of action and long-term vision who like each other. It’s all going to be fine, I said. Plus, the aliens will zap us if we continue to mess up. We’re golden.

Rotterdam: 10%

The Art Hotel. The River Taxis. The BOATS! I got a number for a guy who knows where the work is on the boats, and I secured an interview with a local captain, a man with a bony frame and beautiful still-tide eyes. His handshake was anchory. I bought two bottles of wine on the quay, besides Veerhaven, the history harbour, and met the Harbour Master and Harbour Masteress. It was heaven. I wish and plan to move here.

De Reiss van de Swalouw? 1%

The title of one of my books in Dutch.It was translated, ages ago. We founda copy in the Rotterdam Photography Museum. I couldn’t believe it. In Bavaria they ring church bells when the swallows turn up. They’re currently having two lunches a day in Marrakech, Algiers, Tunis, popping to Yibralta (as the Spanish call it) for fly-tapas, and waiting for our midges and insects to thicken up. It’s happening people.

Boys: 25%

If you are lucky you will know, love and spend a great deal of time with boys. If you are very lucky you will know ones that don’t abide by foolish rules. My son’s best friend, Wilf – my fairy godson, a boy banned from half his classes, permanently in multiple detentions – just stunned his educational establishment (but not me, I know him), by getting a scholarship to an amazing college. It’s changed the whole family’s life and his cosmos for sure. It’s a great time to be middle-young. I cried like a baby when his dad told me.

Engines and oil: 18%

I’m on a fabulous European safari, then, in a fabulous old picky-up truck, Athene Tinkerbell, and I am loving the freight wagons, the service stations, the brilliant driving of beautiful cars. (I met a Maclaren F1 on the Pride of Hull; her drivers were taking her not to a spa, as I heard, but Sparin Belgium to drive the F1 track at 180mph. They do it every year.) Spring isa travellers’ season: heavy engine noises,fluids, oils, waters, coffees, the very stuff of the nine to five. I have been resting in fields and the car in the day and driving flawless roads by night. Bliss.

Police officers who are not men: 18%

Due to one thing and another I enjoyed some contact with police forces in Germany, Holland and, on my return, Britain. A fender-bender bump in Germany, a missed ferry in Rotterdam and some enquiries from (very warm and friendly) counter-terrorism officers on my return to Britain via Manchester airport. The encounters set me asking (and answering) lots of questions about my life and doings and theirs. Young, super-bright and ambitious women in Eisenach, Thuringia, go bounding out to work with 9mm Sig-sauer pistols on their hips and they tell me they love it. The same is true of the Rotterdam force. And I noticed that male-female teams of officers develop a special bond; the intuition and care of life partners, without the tangles of romance. You wouldn’t want to be arrested by anyone else. When I was young we listened to Career Opportunities by the Clash constantly: Do you want to make tea at the BBC / Do you wanna be / Do you really wanna be a cop? I would commend BBC tea-making to anyone, and gave it my youth. But if I had my time again I would be a female German cop.

Ghosts: 25%

I saw a mountain-sized, upside-down, perfect cloud-balloon painting and it looked like Skeletor, exactly, and I realised with immense relief that Death cannot be fought, bargained, dodged or forgotten. He/she will be so sweetly immense and final it truly is God’s and life’s twin. Like my dear sister Janey, and Dad, who have known her/him for a while. Death has a terrific sense of humour and is naturally forgiving. Just ask any midge, swallowed by any swallow. All will be well.