Hello Britain, this is your chancellor. To celebrate budget week, I’m taking the reins of Keir’s column. In case you’re unaware, I’m the PM’s chief ally (if it weren’t for me, he’d be the least popular cabinet member). Did I mention I’m chancellor? And not just any chancellor – the chancellor of the exchequer. So don’t call me “Rachel from accounts”. That’s one of Reeves’s peeves.
A recap of my time in office: I entered No 11 to find that the Tories had strapped TNT to the economy and thrown the detonator into a monkey enclosure. There was a £22bn black hole, and Britain was being sucked in, like Matthew McConaughey at the end of Interstellar. (Trust me: I would never lie about a fiscal black hole). So I told anyone who would listen that the UK was an economic basket case. Weirdly, this caused business confidence to fall.
Since then, I’ve been levelling with voters that they can expect pain in the short term. And the long term. Not everyone appreciates what a bang-up job I’m doing. There are critics and armchair generals who question my every move. Frankly, the public should be grateful they have an expert chancellor with a top CV. Does that sound arrogant? Too bad. People underestimate me, so I overestimate to balance things out.
OK, time for your emails. Fingers crossed I’m as good at advice as I am at chancelloring.
Dear Rachel, I work in an aquarium, and 200 neon tetras have died on my watch. Colleagues say I’m getting the pH levels wrong, but I think they’re trying to undermine me. Should I stand my ground?
Holly, Tamworth
Holly, you should totally stand your ground. When you’re a woman in a male-dominated field, which I assume aquarium-keeping is, you face misogyny at every turn. As I told the Times last week, I’m sick of people mansplaining how to be chancellor. It’s not that they disagree on a strategic or ideological basis. No, they’re just boys with columns trying to bring a successful woman down. To quote Taylor Swift, “haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate”.
I will not put up with dudebros and their mandescension and dismanspect
Some may say that I’m using a serious issue – sexism in the workplace – to deflect criticism. That as a leading politician, I should expect scrutiny, not least because my decisions affect millions of women who aren’t on six figures.
But the people who say that are dude bros who hate to see a girl boss winning. They’re mansplaining, and quite possibly manspreading. I will not put up with their mandescension and dismanspect. Neither should you.
Dear Rachel, I struggle to make up my mind, whether it’s about who to date, which jobs to pursue, or even what to have for breakfast. How can I be more decisive?
Stephen, Bangor
Stephen, you’ve come to the right place – I specialise in tough choices. As chancellor, I wield huge influence over people’s lives: will these kids go hungry? Will these pensioners go cold? The responsibility can be paralysing, so I like to limit my options, really box myself in. Why not impose some arbitrary rules on yourself? For instance, that you can only date women called Shmertrude. I know what you’re thinking: what if I meet a nice, non-Shmertrude girl? Hard luck – those rules are ironclad.
My other trick is to outsource decision-making to the bond markets. Instead of having a vision for this country, I spend my time propitiating the money gods. The non-chancellor equivalent would be consulting a Magic 8 Ball, getting into astrology, or relying on a good old-fashioned coin flip. Even if things go horribly wrong, no one can be cross at you – you’re just doing what the coin says.
Right, back to monitoring gilt yields. My budget doesn’t seem to have spooked the markets, thank goodness. Will it do anything to address Britain’s long-term decline? No, but I should be able to stay in post till Christmas. Until next time, pinch those pennies and count those beans!
P.S. I deserve credit for ending the two-child benefit cap, after a year of saying it would be irresponsible. Naturally, this has nothing to do with the Greens taking 20% of our vote.
P.P.S. I remain livid at the OBR for leaking the budget in advance. That’s my job!