Make Advice Great Again Britain! This is your President, DONALD J. TRUMP!!! I know you have a King, but let’s be real.
When my good friend, Prime Minister Starmer, asked me to write his “column”, I was happy to help. The guy has a Special Quality, which is he kisses my ass without flinching. Kowtowin’ Keir, I call him. We have our differences, but a lot in common. His dad was a Toolmaker. Mine was a Dealmaker. I inherited that, along with Strong German Genes.
Anyway, time to solve your Problems. It’s tough, because I’ve never had Problems. People who have Problems are LOSERS, frankly. But I’ll do my best (which is better than anyone else’s).
Dear Donald, I fear that I’m totally unremarkable. How can I make myself stand out?
Alan, Walsall
Related articles:
I don’t “make” myself stand out, okay? I just DO. A lot of it’s down to my Good Looks (muscular, thick head of hair, normal-size hands). But it’s also how I talk. I deploy a huge number of adjectives – amazing, tremendous adjectives – and use adverbs Tremendously. Plus, I’m famous for my WIT. Like when I called Tim Walz “retarded”, a woman reporter “piggy” and all Somalians “garbage”. SMART! PRESIDENTIAL!
Some people try to get attention with crazy hair or clown makeup. That’s not my style. I’m the most Handsome Genius, maybe of all time. Back in the day, I got invited to Hot Parties, which is why there are so many pictures of me with Epstein. That whole thing’s a WITCH HUNT, by the way. The only reason I didn’t want those Files released is because I’m embarrassed at how INNOCENT I am. NO CRIME!
Dear Donald, my wife seems to have lost all sexual interest. How can I reignite the spark between us?
Graham, Paisley
GRAHAM, I CAN’T RELATE. I’m married to the Beautiful MELANIA, and we have a very hot, very physical relationship. She’s the good kind of immigrant – the kind that has SEX with me. It may look like her Body Language screams “back off, Donult”. And sure, she wears Shades to avoid eye contact, and Wide-Brimmed Hats so I can’t steal a kiss. But this is all part of a Sexy Game we play.
Still, it sounds like you have a Bad Deal. VERY ROUGH! Have you considered being a WINNER instead of a LOSER? That way, your wife might let you grab her by the You-Know-What. As it is, you can’t blame the woman for fantasising about TRUMP (which I assume she does).
Dear Donald, my mother is in her late 70s and showing signs of decline. How can I persuade her to give up driving without being insensitive?
Yvonne, Chatham
Again, this isn’t relevant to ME. I don’t know a thing about being Senile. My Doctors, they tell me: “Sir, you’re the world’s youngest 79-year-old. Biologically, you’re a teenager.”
I just had an MRI, not because I needed it, but because they wanted to see inside a Perfect Body. And I aced the Cognitive Test. I drew the greatest clocks – better than Dalí – and got 100% in terms of Brain. Yep, everything’s working upstairs (and downstairs, BELIEVE ME).
Only a Very Stupid Person would ask if I have Dementia. The symptoms include SLURRED SPEECH, LOSING YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT and SUDDEN BURSTS OF ANGER. Does any of that sound like Me? So no, I don’t need to give up my car keys, or being President or whatever. Anyway, you want to talk about Senile, just look at Sleepy Joe. That guy was so braindead he lost a debate to DONALD TRUMP.
OK, I better go (I’m writing this on the Toilet, and my legs have gone to sleep). Kowtowin’ Keir will return next week! Oh, and Britain? Be nice to the guy. Sure he’s Boring, but he supports the Trump Agenda, from deporting illegals to defending Bibi. That said, I’m fine with you electing my good friend NIGEL. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
DONALD J. TRUMP, POTUS OF THE UNITED STATES
PS. I was honored to receive the Very Real FIFA Peace Prize from my friend Johnny Infant. I’ve made the world a safer place (unless you’re a Venezuelan fisherman).