Dear Keir: Always do the right thing – at the last possible moment

Under Corbyn, conference had devolved into a sort of hippie free-for-all. These days it couldn’t be more different. We’re a professional, patriotic outfit, proud to accept sponsorship from such corporations as Boeing, Palantir and Puppy Slaughter PLC. “God Save the King” is to be sung at least 200 times, and we’ve ordered a union jack that can be seen from space.

Despite the discipline, attendees are encouraged to have fun. There’s the excitement of speculating which identical northern woman will become deputy leader. There are numerous panel discussions on how to better communicate our policies (rather than coming up with ones people actually like).

Finally, there’s A Night of Keir-aoke, where yours truly will perform a host of pop classics: Stuck in the Middle with You, Road to Nowhere, Don’t You Want Me, etc. On the last day, each delegate will receive a custom Labour Labubu (it’s red and has my face).

But before the festivities begin, I should answer some questions …

Dear Keir, my office brought in a new manager, and he doesn’t seem to value my input. How can I win his respect? Lionel, Solihull

Thanks Lionel. It’s vital to stay in your superior’s good books. For instance, I’d only been PM four months when American voters made the wise decision to re-elect my personal hero, Donald Trump.

I knew I had to get in with the 47th president by any means necessary. As it turns out, those means involve constant flattery and doing whatever he says. It’s my duty to maintain the special relationship, even when it resembles that between a doormat and a muddy boot.

I’ve gone to tremendous effort, and the results speak for themselves. Thanks to my adroit diplomacy and relentless tongue-bathing, the Americans have generously agreed to cover Britain in data centres. This green and pleasant land is to become an AI hub, creating literally dozens of jobs. The buzz of server farms will be heard from the Cotswolds to the Lake District, as they generate virtual girlfriends and pictures of Jesus playing basketball with Kim Jong Un. What could be a better use of resources?

Returning to your question, Dr Keir prescribes a daily dose of sycophancy. The surest way to win someone’s respect is to bend over backwards for them.

Donald and I get along brilliantly, despite our many differences. For example, his dad was a slum landlord, while mine was what the French call un fabricant d’outils.

Dear Keir, I recently discovered that my best friend’s husband is cheating on her. I want to say something, but I’m worried that doing so might ruin our friendship. Should I bite my tongue? Hilda, Basingstoke

Hi Hilda. I think you know the right thing to do, but you’re seeking a way out because it’s difficult. If there’s one lesson I try to teach my kids (whose grandfather, incidentally, was a toolmaker), it’s the importance of moral courage.

That said, you don't want to be too courageous. Making a stand can wreak havoc on your relationships, finances and career prospects.

My advice is to do the right thing at the last possible moment. I always turn up late to the ethical party: backing down over welfare cuts, freezing out Peter Mandelson, recognising the state of Palestine. You should wait until your friend is 99% sure her husband is cheating, and only then step in to confirm. By dragging your heels interminably, you reduce your chances of being shouted at, either by mates or the Murdoch press.

Righty ho. I’d better go work on my big speech, which marks a fresh start for my leadership. It’s my 392nd relaunch/reboot/reset, and I’m confident that this one will stick.

In any case, people should stop fantasising about Andy Burnham. I’m the progressive voice our country needs: flat, nasal, and only progressive in a homeopathic sense.

Yours securely