Dear Keir: Mandy lied to me. Really I’m the victim

Hullo Britain. Well, it’s safe to say my decision to appoint Peter Mandelson as US ambassador was misjudged. Who would’ve guessed the so-called Prince of Darkness had skeletons in his cupboard? According to the latest tranche of Epstein files, Peter – the man who puts the “ick” in “sycophant” – leaked market-sensitive information to the billionaire paedophile. A few years earlier, Epstein had transferred $75,000 to Mandelson-linked accounts. Not that Mandy seems to recall (he suffers from a rare form of financial amnesia).

Now I find myself in hot water, accused of incompetence at best, corruption at worst. Yes, I knew that Peter had remained close friends with a turbo-nonce. This didn’t strike me as grounds to stop him serving in government. It’s not like he was Andy Burnham! I asked about Epstein during Peter’s vetting process and he swore there was no problem. What was I going to do: cross-examine him, like some kind of barrister?

The fact is I was lied to, which – when you think about it – makes me the victim. Anyway, let’s put this unpleasantness behind us and get to your questions.

Dear Keir, I’m due to retire soon, and the prospect terrifies me. Work has always given my days structure. How can I survive without it?
Dirk, Wandsworth

Retirement is a period of transition, and these can be deeply unsettling. I recommend you adjust your perspective – see it as an opportunity rather than a crisis. What have you always dreamed of? Now there’s nothing stopping you. Some people take up a musical instrument or learn a new language. Others travel the world (I’ve managed that already – I spend more time in the air than most pilots). Point is, you should carpe that diem.

I occasionally wonder what I’ll do when – many years hence – I cease to be PM. I imagine I’ll keep working in some capacity, one that’s less brutal and unrelenting. Occupants of No 10 offer varied models for civilian life. Tony Blair made millions helping autocrats with their PR. Gordon Brown backed a slew of worthy causes. And Liz Truss became a deranged YouTuber (21k subscribers). I doubt I’ll join Boris on the after-dinner circuit: I’ve been told my voice impedes digestion.

Maybe I’ll do something part-time. I famously said I could happily work in a bookshop. I picture myself behind the counter, ringing up Sally Rooneys and Robert Galbraiths. A young lad approaches with a copy of Keir Starmer: The Biography. “Don’t believe everything you read, kid,” I quip. He glances up. Takes me in properly. “Wait… are you…?” I just wink and sign the book.

Dear Keir, I love my boyfriend but find his thoughtless behaviour infuriating. Is it possible to “fix” someone in a relationship, or is trying to do so unhealthy?
Moira, Sidcup

I believe anything can be fixed, from a bad boyfriend to a premiership in terminal decline. You just need the right attitude. It’s like when my dad would be in the workshop (for he was a toolmaker), only to discover that his lathe had gone awry. He would tackle the issue methodically: identify symptoms, make adjustments, perform a test cut. I bring that troubleshooting approach to my own job, which is why Britain’s working so well.

It’s also how I used to approach relationships. If a partner didn’t, say, support Arsenal or show enough interest in legal minutiae, I would chip away until they did. When I first met Lady Vic, she couldn’t care less about the Gunners’ clean-sheet run during the 2005‑06 Uefa Champions League. I fixed that, and she’s all the happier for it. Best of luck on your boyfriend renovation project. It can’t be harder than getting the PLP to do as you say!

Right, back to the grindstone. I hope we can move on from Mandelson to things that make people less angry at me. For instance, the Gorton and Denton byelection. I’ve been asked to come to the constituency and campaign. Weirdly, it was the Greens who asked me. Labour’s candidate says that, as brilliant as it would be, my time is too precious. Well, I appreciate her consideration. Fingers crossed I’m still prime minister come polling day!

Yours precariously,

Keir xxx