Hullo Britain. Sorry I missed you last week – I had a series of meetings (normal, not crisis). I’m grateful to my mate Wes for stepping up. We love Wes here in Downing Street, and would never call him a grasping little bastard while briefing Pippa Crerar. That was all a misunderstanding, so let’s focus instead on the great things this government is doing. Like finding innovative ways to make life worse for migrants.
As Shabana Mahmood announced on Monday, asylum seekers will have their assets seized to pay for accommodation costs. You might not think people fleeing a war zone have much in the way of valuables, but you’d be wrong. They’re always bringing over 42-inch TVs, chandeliers and tanning beds. No wonder their dinghies keep sinking!
The Home Office is also weighing plans to remove gold teeth and kidneys (you only need one). Lefties accuse us of performative cruelty, of trying to out-Reform Reform. As ever, they miss the big picture. You know the saying “you have to be cruel to be kind?” In this case, we have to be cruel to get semi-positive coverage in the Sun. Now that’s cleared up, it’s time for your questions...
Dear Keir, I have a well-paid, high-profile job, but I’m considering a career change. Would it be crazy to start over?
Joy, Harpenden
Joy, it’s perfectly natural to wonder what else you could be doing. I’m a man of many talents, and I yearn to apply them outside politics. With my smooth tone and scintillating personality, I could take the podcast world by storm. My uncanny powers of persuasion would make me an ideal hostage negotiator. And, at the risk of being called a nepo baby, I would kill it as a toolmaker.
But the role I’d be happiest in is under-12 football coach. I can see myself now, laying down marker cones, handing out orange slices, standing on the sidelines, shouting “Good feet, Caleb!” and “Man on, Ibrahim!”
The lads would all call me “Mr S”. The mums would think “he’s a bit dishy, that coach Keir”. There would be no machinations, no ceaseless criticism. Win or lose, everyone would have a splendid time. The worst thing that could happen would be a rough tackle or a grazed knee.
To return to your question, my advice is to take the leap. I only wish I had the option of starting over. Alas, as I said back in January, I plan to be prime minister for a decade. That means I’ve got eight years and eight months left. Yup, Ol’ Keir’s going nowhere...
Dear Keir, it occurs to me that readers are always asking questions about themselves, but never about you. So, who do you think should play Keir Starmer in a biopic?
Lorcan, Beaminster
Thanks Lorcan – I’ve given this a lot of thought. The obvious answer is Colin Firth, who has experience playing a barrister (Bridget Jones’s Diary) and someone who struggles with oratory (The King’s Speech).
My uncanny powers of persuasion would make me an ideal hostage negotiator
Failing that, there’s Gary Oldman, a protean actor who already tackled a great PM in The Darkest Hour. Timothée Chalamet would be perfect in flashbacks to me as a thrusting human rights lawyer. Steve Coogan has the silver locks and is a skilled impressionist, but he’s said some rather unkind things. Plus, he’s most famous as Alan Partridge, an awkward mediocrity with a grating voice and zero self-awareness. I’m not sure people would buy him as me.
Of course, the role should be open to any actor who can capture my essence. For instance, it might be inspiring to see Idris Elba as the first black Starmer. Or how about we shatter the glass ceiling with a female Keir (Sydney Sweeney)?
We’ll need a strongsupporting cast: Catherine Zeta-Jones as Lady Vic, Damian Lewis as Morgan McSweeney, Jason Statham as Pat McFadden. The kid from Adolescence could play Wes Streeting, though we’d have to make his face shiny.
Anyway, I should stop imagining myself as the subject of an Oscar-winning blockbuster. In the real world, I must deal with a mutinous PLP, a chaotic No 10 and relentless bad press. At least there’s the budget next week – that should go smoothly.
P.S. I invite readers to view the poignant message I recorded for my son to mark International Men’s Day. In it, I say: “When I was younger, I often had a voice in the back of my head that told me I wasn’t good enough, or right for certain things.” Thankfully, I ignored that voice when Morgan asked me to be prime minister. Turns out I’m amazing at it.