Dear Nigel: When a woman asks if she’s being too something, the answer is yes

Hello! Yes, it’s me again – Mr Brexit. Naughty but Nige. The Clacton Klaxon. Keir’s away this week, working on excuses for when Trump invades Greenland. While he’s gone, I thought I’d update you on my party’s inexorable march to power.

As everybody knows, Reform UK hates the establishment. Our dream is to turf out the uniparty and replace it with mavericks like Nadhim Zahawi. On Monday, the former Tory chancellor announced he was defecting to the turquoise boys. Will this tax-dodging, scandal-ridden millionaire be a good fit for Reform? I hope so. There’s no denying that Nads brings a lot to the table. Having worked for Boris Johnson, Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak, he’s an expert in what not to do.

Some have suggested that Reform is becoming a home for clapped-out Tories, a receptacle into which defective defectors are defecated. This couldn’t be wider of the mark. In reality, I’m a white Nick Fury, assembling the reactionary Avengers. Nadhim Zahawi, Lee Anderson, Andrea Jenkyns, Nadine Dorries – these are the heroes we need (it doesn’t hurt that Zahawi’s loaded).

Anyway, I have time to field a couple of your questions before my mid-morning pint.

Dear Nigel, I’m getting bullied at school. I’ve tried standing up for myself, but this only results in further beatings. Should I tell on my tormentors?

Hugh, Romsey

In a word? No. In three words? Absolutely bloody not. The last thing you want is a reputation for snitching. Nobody likes a crybaby, whether they tattle to teacher or write articles in the Guardian 40 years later. Joshing, horseplay, ritual abuse – these are a natural part of one’s schooldays.

You need to cultivate a thick skin and learn to suffer in silence. And again, you mustn’t dob in your playground bully when he’s on the verge of becoming PM.

Perhaps you can tell I have a personal stake in this. I’m under fire for alleged misconduct at Dulwich College: schoolmates accuse me of a sustained campaign of hatred. Now, I don’t want my political project (getting rid of black and brown people) tarnished by racism, so allow me to set the record straight. I never told a Jewish student “Hitler was right”, or a Nigerian boy to go back to Africa, or anything like that. Who are you going to believe, me or 34 accusers at the time of writing?

Also, I was a practitioner of calisthenics, hence the frequent stretching of my right arm.

Even if I did cross the line once or twice, it wasn’t malicious. Are we proposing to ban banter? Outlaw schoolyard japes? Instead of obsessing over what I may or may not have said as an adolescent, critics should focus on my recent behaviour. Would a racist accept hundreds of thousands of pounds from Zia Yusuf, a Muslim? Would an antisemite support the state of Israel? (I suppose he might, if he wanted Jews to move 2,000 miles away). Point is, I’m firmly behind Mr Netanyahu, as are my fellow antiracists Elon Musk and Tommy Robinson. There – that should put the matter to bed.

Dear Nigel, I’m happy with my new boyfriend, but I can’t stand his loutish mates. They’re so unpleasant it makes me question his character. Am I being too judgmental?

Lynette, Prescot

In my experience, Lynette, when a woman asks if she’s being too something, the answer is yes! Seriously though, I don’t believe in guilt by association. You can’t judge a man by the company he keeps. For instance, Welsh Reform leader Nathan Gill was jailed for accepting Russian bribes, and hardly a week goes by without a Reform councillor posting race hate. Does that make me a dodgy bigot? Obviously not. You should give your man the benefit of the doubt, and Britain should do the same for me at the next election.

Speaking of which, I need to work on celebrity endorsements. Reform has a reputation for being “uncool”, so we’re courting big names like Barry Chuckle, Roy Chubby Brown and the dog from the Churchill insurance adverts. We already have Bonnie Blue, which should appeal to the ladies. There’s also talk of a Tupac-style hologram, but with Enoch Powell.

Until next time, stay British. Oh, and don’t believe everything you hear, unless it’s from GB News.