Don’t expect me to dance up and sort your parasites: my week as a false cleanerfish

Monday
You can say what you like about coral reefs, but you can’t deny that they’re bright and beautiful. Absolutely crowded with us fish, as well as many others that I consider lesser creatures. And when you get a lot of creatures together you tend to get parasites. It may look idyllic in the shallow seas where the light powers the growth of the coral, but it’s also tough. As life is supposed to be, right?

Tuesday
Now there’s a nice little fish called the bluestreak cleaner wrasse, and it will get rid of parasites for you. If you’re a big fish, you just sidle up to this fish and wait. The wrasse will then do a little dance, waggling the tail fin and bobbing up and down. The dance says: don’t eat me. It’s better for us both if you don’t.

Wednesday
I saw this performance today, and it’s rather touching, I suppose. The big fish watched the dance and didn’t eat the dancer. The little wrasse then ate all the ectoparasites that were troubling the big fish. It’s about trust. Anyway, there is nature looking wise and wonderful, the lion lying down with the lamb and all that. And to the mutual benefit of both. All rather lovely, if you like that sort of thing.

Thursday
It’s been a difficult few days, and I was short of food. So I found a nice big fish and I danced for him. Did I say that I look just like a bluestreak cleaner wrasse? And I can do the dance just as well. Well, almost as well: an experienced adult fish will either ignore me or try to eat me. But here was a big fat stupid juvenile, and he loved the dance and presented his big fat body to me. So I helped myself. Took a bloody great bite of my supposed client and swam for it. I have two impressive canine teeth that fit into sockets in the roof my mouth: when I bite, I bite. And then I was gone, leaving my poor client trying to work out what had gone wrong with the beautiful world he lived in.

Friday
I don’t cheat all the time. I’m not an obligate cheat. I mostly eat worms and fish eggs. Looking like a bluestreak is good because it means I’m let off predation: the big fish like to have the bluestreaks around and available.

Saturday
So back to the usual routine, feeling all the better for Thursday’s treat. Thinking things over in my usual way. Nature is vicious, true. But then nature is benign, also true. That’s philosophy, that is.

False cleanerfish CV

Lifespan A year or so

Eating habits Eggs, clients, etc

Hobbies Cheating

Sexual preferences Sweet cheats

Photograph by Rolf von Riedmatten/Getty Images