Just like Charlize, I have no-go photos for dating profiles

Talking about her experience of dating apps, in particular the elite online pick-up joint Raya, she pointed out that men’s photo choices really make or break the potential for fun. “No Burning Man photos. No photos of you with other women,” she stipulated.

Theron went on to list her other red flags: guys who put “CEO” in their bio and take selfies in their “closets with your hand in a jean pocket”. I empathise – but I’m in my early 20s and my Hinge feed offers very different icks. Here is what capsizes my boat:

Graduation pictures

Absolutely not – unless it was in the past few weeks (BA) and last year (for a doctorate; yes, I’ll give you a little grace for a PhD). I have graduation pictures too, but they’re in a photo album in my mum’s house. I’d rather see a picture of you in a bookstore, if you want to convince me that you can read.

Hunting and fishing pictures

It’s giving visit to the colonies in the 1800s. I don’t mind if you kill your own pheasant for supper, but don’t hold up a dead animal like it’s Oscar night. We know you’re just compensating.

Bathroom selfies

Especially if you’re wearing a suit and it’s taken in the office toilets. Why are you doing that? Go back to your desk and resume your mansplaining on Slack.

A picture with your ex

No, they never say it’s their ex, but after a few questions during the talking stage, you find out it is, and that they’re definitely not over them.

Group photos

I shouldn’t have to play Where’s Wally? to find out which one you are.

My prescription?

Use a passport photo, guys – something approved by the government. No smiles, just straight with eyes to camera – and absolutely no oversized trout.