We’re the sexiest mammals on the planet: my week as a brown hare

It sounds daft, I know, but there are times when I find humans rather sweet. I mean, we’re probably the sexiest mammals on the planet, but humans thought we were sacred symbols of virginity. Then there’s all that Easter bunny stuff – and as everyone knows, the Easter bunny is a hare.

Monday

The time of madness is over, but lord, it was good while it lasted. Those daylight chases, wild times for a nocturnal animal, and when it comes to boxing I’m as good as you’ll find. You want to do it before I’m ready? Take that, you importunate male bastard, and that. More than one hare has a notch in his big ears after tangling with me.

Tuesday

But soon I’ll have half a dozen leverets in a form out in the open fields. I’ll feed them for five minutes every day, just after dusk and that’s it for maternal routine. They’ll be off a few weeks later... and then I might just feel sexy again. Three weeks ago four big bouncy males were all in hot pursuit of gorgeous me, so I ran. Speed? Not far off 50mph. Speed plus agility: double back, zigzag, a long, long curve. Only one of them could keep up with me: only one was good enough. He got lucky and so did I.

Wednesday

We hares are spring. Unlike rabbits, hiding in their burrows, diving out of sight at every hint of danger. As Easter approaches we dance before the world: chasing, fighting and doing the great deed for all to see. If you’re looking for a symbol of new life it’s a hare you’ll turn to every time. Certainly not a bloody rabbit.

Thursday

Humans used to believe that we gave birth without having sex first. As if we just thought our leverets into existence. They put us in churches, they put us in pictures with the Virgin Mary to celebrate our chastity. Makes me laugh when I think of my four hot pursuers.

Friday

Humans also believed that us hares brought them real eggs every year – and that really is rather sweet. They saw a hare from a distance, walked up to it – while the hare did a quick nought-to-50 – and found a nest full of eggs. Must be hare’s eggs! Thanks, you kind hare, thank you for our Easter present! Don’t tell them they were actually robbing a grey partridge or a lapwing. They loved the liberal-pawed leporid and made up pretty tales about the Easter bunny, the magic hare who can infallibly tell good children from bad and reward them accordingly.

Saturday

I’m back into the nocturnal routine. We need no burrows: speed is our edge, speed and endurance. The time of plenty has come. The earth itself has risen from the dead, as it does every spring. We can all celebrate the new life and if you want to celebrate us hares for all the joy we bring to the world at Easter – you are most heartily welcome.

Brown hare (Lepus europaeus) CV

Lifespan Up to half a dozen years

Eating habits Green is good

Hobbies Combat

Sexual preferences Yes

Photograph by Lee Hudson/Alamy