Dear Keir: how not to get dumped? Cling on until the bitter end

Following my week from hell, I was keen to escape Epstein’s ghost. Unfortunately, I’d offered a state visit to another friend of Jeffrey. The orange carpet was rolled out for Donald Trump, who availed himself of a royal carriage ride and a banquet. There was some concern that Prince Andrew might ask the president how Ghislaine is doing. Luckily, he was in Switzerland, undergoing experimental treatment to restore his ability to sweat.

Meanwhile, MPs are debating how much time I have left. Journalists who used to praise my credentials and gravitas now claim that I’m a hapless moron. I’ve been called the Mozart of making everyone angry. The John Wick of shooting myself in the foot. The Keir Starmer of squandering a landslide. But let’s turn from questions about my leadership to questions about you.

Dear Keir, I’m worried that my girlfriend is gearing up to dump me. How can I stop the axe from falling?

Alfie, Luton

Alfie, I know just how you feel. You’re scared of getting thrown out on your ear, like DJ Jazzy Jeff in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You fear being replaced by some other guy, say a northern mayor or a shiny-faced cockney. Your position is under constant threat, and your attempts to fix things only make them worse. How on earth can you placate your parliamentary party (girlfriend)?

Some will tell you that when love is gone, you should walk away with dignity intact. To which I say: fat bloomin’ chance! My advice is to cling on till the bitter end. Tell your girlfriend that anything you did wrong wasn’t actually your fault. It was a misunderstanding, or you didn’t have the facts in front of you, or an Irishman made you do it. Anyway, it’s time to move to Phase 2 of your relationship – scratch that, Phase 3.

Has she forgotten all the wonderful stuff you’ve done for her, like win an election? Or not be Rishi Sunak? Or a third example, which you can’t think of right now? Through a mix of excuses, blame-shifting and emotional blackmail, you should be able to wear your girlfriend down. There’s a good chance she will stick with you out of sheer inertia, at least until May’s local elections.

Dear Keir, as you know, I was recently fired for the sin of being a good and loyal friend. How should I fill my newfound free time? Aside from scheming to bring down the man who sacked me. Tick tock, dear boy…

Peter, Washington, DCPS, You’re still on the porky side. Email me – I’ll set you up with Mounjaro.

Hi Peter. Losing one’s job can feel like a bereavement, especially to someone who derives their self-worth from status and proximity to power. A potential remedy is to focus on other things that give life meaning. For most people, this includes friends, family and community.

Perhaps they aren’t your cup of tea. Perhaps you are more of a scheming, soulless, Littlefinger from Game of Thrones type. In which case: hobbies. Why not pour all that Machiavellian energy into, say, tiddlywinks or macramé?

I have many interests outside of work, and very interesting they are too. I famously play five-a-side football and I support the Arsenal FC team, which just goes to show what an ordinary, relatable bloke I really am.

Beyond that, I’m into beekeeping, philately and building customised Gundam (models based on the Mobile Suit Gundam anime franchise). These are definitely things that I like, and not just ChatGPT’s response to the prompt: “What are some hobbies a person might have?”

That’s all for now. I do hope that the Mandelson business blows over. Between him and Ozzy Osbourne, this hasn’t been a good year for Princes of Darkness. I’m not a Prince of Darkness, though. More a Duke of Dullness. On which note, I’ll see you next week. Maybe.

Keir xxx

As told to Lucien Young