Dear Keir: ‘A new persona will get you out of your rut’

Company, fall in! Atten-shun! This is Brigadier Sir Keir Starmer, reporting for duty. On Monday, I visited the BAE Systems shipyard in Govan and gave a rousing, manly, square-jawed speech. The upshot? Britain is at war. Or at least, war adjacent. You’ve all been conscripted into the Starmer Army. “Starmy’, if you will.

Who are we going to war with? That’s classified. Point is, everything has changed. Forget about winter fuel, PIP and the two-child benefit cap. Those are as irrelevant as my poll ratings. What matters is ensuring peace through strength.

This means investing in the latest military tech. From now on, when people say “Starmer drones”, it won’t be a reference to how I talk. With integrated AI, we can make the British Army 10 times more lethal. Imagine all that lethality! Pretty impressive, eh? You’ve never had it so lethal.

Predictably, the naysayers are saying nay. They complain that I prefer warfare to welfare. They accuse me of spending billions to appease Trump. Some even suggest I’m trying to sound American, with my talk of “war-fighting”, “warriors” and “our homeland”. To them I say: “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? HOO-AH!”

I must admit, I enjoy being a wartime leader. Lord Alli bought me a custom suit, complete with prime ministerial epaulettes. Very butch. Still, I should answer some emails.

Dear Keir, I’m a big fan of the South Korean mukbang, or “eating video”. I want to popularise them in the UK, but instead of wolfing down tteokbokki, I plan to gorge on Sunday roasts, steak and kidney pies, chip butties and the like. This could attract millions of followers, but my parents would rather I focus on my GCSEs. What do you think? Should I follow my dream?
Susie, Whitstable

Susie, thanks. As you’ll recall, during my Lunch with the FT, I said that “people need hope, but it needs to be realistic hope”. In the same way, one should follow one’s dreams, provided they’re sensible. Dream of being a chartered accountant? Go for it. Dream of investing up to 20k in a cash ISA? Get stuck in. Unfortunately, your dream doesn’t strike me as sensible.

What’s more, I find the concept of a mukbang disturbing. When I tuck into a tuna sandwich from Pret a Manger, the last thing I want is people watching. Just look what happened to Ed Miliband. I advise you to knock this thing on the head.

That said, I appreciate your passion. I didn’t always want to be a lawyer turned politician. As a youth, I thought I might pursue a career in poetry, penning verse to bare my soul and express profound ideas. In fact, I wrote one the other week …

It’s often very hard

Being me, Sir Keir Starmer.

Though famously a knight,

I have no suit of armour.

Some call me vicious names,

Like “fibber”, “fraud”, “fool”, “faker”.

But I know who I am (My dad was a toolmaker).

Now, I’m not saying my poem deserves a Nobel prize in literature. That’s for the Swedish Academy to decide. But every time I read it, I weep a little Keir tear.

Dear Keir, I fear I’m becoming a bore. When I talk to friends and family, I notice them zoning out, scanning for an exit, considering seppuku, etc. Even my gerbil seems over me. How can I shake things up?
Patrick, St Albans

Dear Patrick, I sympathise (though I can’t relate to the boring part). To break out of your rut, I suggest you adopt a radically different persona. Why not go to work in Rasta gear, or dressed as a Pearly King? Why not take up MMA, become a K-pop stan or get full-body tattoos? Changing fundamental aspects of yourself is a surefire way to keep people on their toes.