Matt Haig: ‘I like that Germany still has proper Sundays’

Did the Ancient Greeks say ‘daddy’? 12%

I can’t wait to watch Christopher Nolan’s film The Odyssey, but I must admit that the trailer had two moments that jarred with me. The first was when Antinous, played by Robert Pattinson says: “You’re pining for a daddy you didn’t even know”; and then again, when Tom Holland’s Telemachus says: “My dad is coming home.” It bothered me, and then it bothered me for bothering me, because it is so ridiculous to be bothered by informal modern phrasing being used – for a million reasons. Informal phrasing is, after all, occasionally used in the original text. And also, you know, English is not Ancient Greek. And no one knows what a film made by Homer would look or sound like. And it probably speaks to some kind of conditioning that we expect people in stories first told nearly 3,000 years ago to speak a very particular type of pseudo-proper posh thespian English in which “dad” would always be “father”. Anyway. It looks good. And cinema needs more good films.

German conversations: 20%

I have been in Germany recently to do interviews and some pre-publication events for my new book. There are a lot of things I like about Germany. I like that it still has Sundays – proper Sundays, where most people aren’t working or shopping. I like German interviews. In the UK, self-promo tours might involve being asked your favourite crisp flavour, but in Germany you are asked about your thoughts of death.

Water-glass readings: 20%

We could learn a lot from the German book industry. They truly value books over there, and as a result their book market doesn’t really need add-on values. Yes, they do have one or two celebrities who write books, but it isn’t the focus. Basically, if a book is good, then that still seems to be the main criterion. They don’t value a novel more for its association with a movie or a famous person, because novels over there are as significant to society as films and TV are. German book events are more like concerts. The crowds are deeply into it. Readers bring gifts. The events are at least an hour and a half long. Also, some German authors do readings, or what they call “water-glass readings”, where they literally just sit and read their own book. They even have an interval and then return to the stage and read some more. Some of the big German authors, such as the thriller writer Sebastian Fitzek, literally fill stadiums. And if, like me, you are an English author, you get an easy ride. You sit on the stage, do a little bit of chatting with the moderator, and then an actor reads a few pages of the book. And you just sit there, wondering what to do with your face.

Asparagus: 5%

It is asparagus season, and in Berlin there are quite a few restaurants that have their own asparagus menus. I don’t love asparagus. I hardly even like it. But Berlin has to be the easiest city in which to eat plants or be vegan. Munich, not so much.

Dogs that rattle: 30%

When I am away I miss my dog, Bruce. He would like asparagus. He would like to eat literally anything. He once had to go to the vets to have a stone removed. The vet told us that sometimes, if you lift up a golden retriever, they rattle from all the non-food they have eaten.

A power trip on Brighton beach: 3%

I love Brighton beach. One trait of mine that may or may not be to do with my autism is that I hate sand: not the look of it, but the feel of it. So I am all for pebble beaches. I came back from Germany and walked Bruce on the beach. It was the same part of the beach I always walk him on, right in front of the beautifully decaying husk of the old West Pier, lost to fire decades ago. Anyway, this time was different because an environmental support officer approached me rather seriously while talking into his radio. He gave me an £80 fine. Apparently from May to the end of September, this particular part of the beach is not dog-friendly; I needed to be 100 yards further along. I had missed the sign, I told him. He said that didn’t matter, because the sign was there. So is the electromagnetic spectrum, but we can’t see that either. Anyway, he wasn’t in the mood to give a warning. He was enjoying himself. There must be a study somewhere about how people in positions of minor authority overcompensate by acting officiously, I thought to myself, while paying the fine. Anyway, Bruce found it all amusing, and his pant on the way home sounded like laughter.

I need to be outside more: 10%

I heard recently that nowadays 93% of our days are spent indoors. That can’t be good. I suppose that is where golden retrievers come in handy.