Aardvarks are a rare nocturnal mammal native to Africa and the only living species of the family Orycteropodidae. Photograph: Getty
Each week, Simon Barnes hears what the last seven days has been like for a member of the animal kingdom
We’re all unique: that’s what being a species means. But some of us are more unique than others, if you see what I mean.
There’s a certain species of bipedal ape that thinks it’s separate from everything else that lives. Well, we aardvarks aren’t the most vocal of creatures, but I can certainly summon up a snort of derision.
Monday
A pretty decent day. Night rather. No major alarms with predators and a damn good termite mound. Now I can dig like you wouldn’t believe: a personal best of two feet in 15 seconds. I was into that mound with the four clawed toes of my forelimbs and more or less drinking termites with my foot-long tongue.
Tuesday
I’m one of the most ferocious creatures on the planet. I’m pretty big compared with a termite, so it takes a lot of them to keep going. On a good night, that’s 50,000 termites. I need 50,000 deaths to keep me alive for one more day.
Wednesday
I mostly prefer to operate late, so I have most of the savannah to myself. But there, blasting through the night, was one of those machines those bipedal apes use. I froze, but no good. They’d seen me. They stopped and one of them – there was a lot of laughing and shouting going on – came for me. I was halfway down the nearest burrow when the bugger grabbed me by the tail and started to pull. Strong young lad he was too. But I out-dug him. He pulled and I dug: and my digging was stronger than his pulling. Fodo ergo sum and all that.
Tonight I found a column of ants: a trail 45 metres long. A feast for the gods
Thursday
And that young idiot has the temerity to think his species is special. I was thinking about this as I was sniffing for termites. Humans are a species, fine. They put themselves in their own genus, which is clearly wrong, because they’re one of three species of chimpanzee. And they belong in the order of primates, along with 300 or so others. But we aardvarks are genuinely unique. We’re the only member of our genus, the only member of our family and the only member of our order. We are aardvarks: unique, alone and utterly inimitable. There can be no argument. Aardvarks are the crown of creation.
Friday
It’s alright in national parks, where there are termites and ants enough even for an aardvark’s appetite. But outside these magic places there are fewer termites these days and it’s getting harder to cope. Other creatures eat termites – hyenas, jackals, vultures, storks, geese, pangolins, bat-eared foxes and aardwolves. But they eat plenty of other stuff as well. We aardvarks are specialists, we have no Plan B.
Saturday
A night of dreams. I can dig into the toughest termite mound, but that means working hard for every single termite. Tonight, I found a column of ants on the move: a trail 45 metres long. It was a feast for the gods. The world was surely made for aardvark-kind.
*As told to Simon Barnes
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