‘Lions aren’t on our intellectual level’: my week as a spotted hyena

Bloody lions. It happens, but don’t expect me to be philosophical about it. A group of us knocked down a nice wildebeest – very nice indeed by the time we’d killed it – and we were just beginning to enjoy ourselves when the lions arrived. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a scavenger.

Monday

All right, all right, I’m little less cranky about it today. I suppose lions have their place in the world, we’re all God’s creatures and so forth, but they’re not really on our intellectual level. Their social life is messy and disorganised, and when it comes to the business of foraging they’re pretty much one-trick ponies.

Tuesday

We’re hyenas and the clan is our life. Especially if you happen to be the boss. I take due deference in my stride, and if it’s lacking in completeness or sincerity I put the uppity bugger straight. I’m the quickest in the quarrel – and, of course, the quickest to make up again. Just as soon I get a bit of humility.

Wednesday

I’m the biggest, the smartest, the wisest, the burliest, the most aggressive, the most confident hyena you’re ever likely to meet, and if you care to look between my legs you’ll find I’m also by far the best equipped. Nice big one, eh? That’s because I’m female.

Thursday

We hyenas are the most successful large predator in Africa. We got that way because we’re clever, adaptable and opportunistic. We can work team-handed and bring down big stuff, we can work alone and find little stuff, and, yes, we’ll take over a kill from the lions given half a chance. That’s what happened today: an excellent plump zebra. Lions think only they work together: we hyenas are the real thing. Of course, in all modesty, I should add that it helps to have a really good leader.

Friday

We females are in charge. My undercarriage is not what it seems. It’s the biggest clitoris in the animal kingdom and it comes with a fake scrotum made from my labia. Look on it as a badge of dominance: we females are in charge and my daughters are the elite. One of them – and I have a good idea which – will be leader when my work is done. Males are useful for two reasons, the second of which is their neatness and speed in a pack hunt. They’re good at chivvying. The powerful ones – us females – do the actual bringing-down.

Saturday

And that’s how it worked today, another wildebeest and we had it finished, bones and all, long before the lions knew what we were about. A good day. But you’ll be wondering: how do we do the great deed when we’re equipped with these glorious fake genitals? The answer is obvious enough: very, very carefully. Precision is all. The cubs are born the same way: right through my fake penis. You think that’s weird? We’re better than lions, we’re better than wild dogs and we’re better than banded mongooses. All social animals should be like us.

Spotted hyena CV

Lifespan A good 20 years

Eating habits Anything dead, or dead-ish

Hobbies The clan

Sexual preferences Deference and accuracy

Photograph by Chuck Babbitt/Getty Images