Sorry England, but Harry Kane is as German as Thomas Tuchel

We’re in the age of superstars and, nothing new here, Harry Kane is one of them. England’s striker is a monster, an absolute machine that scores goals as he wishes and single-handedly changes his teams’ trajectories. But what’s new? All of this could be said or written about other footballers, the likes of Kylian Mbappé or Lionel Messi.

But do they wear Skechers all the while? Nope. Didn’t think so.

It is a frequently mentioned detail about the extraordinary striker that he wears the most ordinary boots out there. The shoe of the everyman. And this is not only pointed out due to it being funny (which it still kind of is), but more so because Skechers, a brand that few other footballers wear, not particularly sexy or associated with style and flair, in a strange way perfectly encapsulates the style and flair of Harry Kane. Who is probably, wonderfully, the most ordinary among the extraordinaries of his sport. If the shoe fits, wear it, they say.

Maybe no one understands this better than us Germans, who unlike the English – anxious for Kane to save their country from another disappointing World Cup run – are afforded a bird’s-eye view of the attacker. Not regarding his performances on the pitch - those are obviously remarkable from any perspective - but instead regarding his character. That may make German fans, currently heartbroken over their team’s allergy to performing well (it must be a medical condition at this point), even more jealous than his abilities as a footballer.

This is a feat in two ways: one, he is English; and two, he plays for Bayern Munich! Whose players the average German likes to hate. At least a little bit. Even Thomas Müller, while funny and for the most part liked, could never escape his Bayern patina. “He is still a Bayernsau” (Bayern pig) people used to mutter when, on an off day, he didn’t perform well for Germany.

Harry Kane, even as an Englishman, spectacularly evades this. As a central part of a recent Bayern lineup that is pretty hard to hate, as fans across the country have had to grapple with, Kane is perhaps so inoffensive, some might call him boring. But that would be missing an important detail: for a footballer of Kane’s status to be a normal dude is pretty impressive. “Harry Kane is, I think, the best transfer we have ever done,” Bayern’s iconic former club president Uli Hoeness recently said after Kane – and Kane alone – carried Bayern to triumph in the DFB-Pokal final against VfB Stuttgart.

It is remarkable that a fan community which has previously cheered for outstanding heroes like Lothar Matthäus and Arjen Robben (both cheaper than Kane) and watched those players win all there is to win, did not reject this superlative, but instead agreed. And even more astounding, that everybody else, who usually pick the most prominent Bayern figure as their object of resentment, can’t really dunk on him either. Because why would they? Kane is just a normal guy, who spends the weekend with his family, probably tells his kids not to eat as much candy or that another hour of television will fry their tiny brains. He jumps and runs and waltzes across the football pitch in his Skechers boots, always willing to hurt the opponent, but never a fly.

There is a video the official Bayern account posted on TikTok that shows the team celebrating their two titles last season. In it, a group of players assembles on the dancefloor, centre-back Dayot Upamecano in the middle, as a hip-hop track about the Frenchman plays on the stereo. Objectively cool superstars like Michael Olise, fashionable unicorns like Serge Gnabry and sly mavericks like Luis Díaz surround him and dance to the beat.

In the back: Harry Kane awkwardly seesawing back and forth, sometimes raising one arm to move to the beat but dropping it again when he notices it doesn’t do him any favours. His mouth is open (as always) and in a slight grin, his jeans fit tighter than the rest of the crew and his shirt is white and boxy in a department-store-chic type of way. Even Konrad Laimer, who is Austrian, ergo part of the only people that may be even less stylish than the Germans, seems more natural in this group activity than Kane. And the best part is: Kane does not seem to care one bit that he is the most awkward in the room.

This is special in a sport where players are brands now instead of people, but also particularly appealing to Germans. Kane’s je ne sais quoi of the average guy rectifies a nationwide insecurity, that we are simply less cool than the rest of the world. Take the loud criticism of stylish German players such as Gnabry and Leroy Sané for allegedly not being hard workers (at least for one of them it’s nowhere near true). In a world in which even Müller, who prior to his move to Canada provided this Dad-like charm to the superstar-ridden realm of professional football in the social media era, is sporting a beard, loafers and wide-leg pants now. This is a marvel! (And an important corrective to the yes, admittedly and increasingly, charismatic rest of the Bundesliga bunch.) It used to feel a bit overbearing when Bayern would acquire the coolest, most famous footballers from other countries and force them into lederhosen so they could mingle with fans at Oktoberfest.

On Kane, the “Tracht” looks as natural as his Skechers. So I’m sorry to the entire nation of England as I type the following sentence. In spirit, Kane might be more German than Thomas Tuchel.

Photograph by Alexandra Beier/AFP via Getty Images