Dear Keir: ‘I know a thing or two about being normal’

Hullo. Before delving into this week’s mailbag, I want to address my recent reversal on the winter fuel payment. I’m getting a lot of stick for it, which strikes me as unfair. When Vin Diesel performs a screeching U-turn in the Fast & Furious franchise, everyone’s terribly impressed. When I do so in the House of Commons, I’m derided as weak. Why is it one rule for Dom Toretto and another for Keir Starmer?

I know what you’re thinking: “Keir, didn’t you say that you had no choice but to cut winter fuel payments? Doesn’t this U-turn go against your fiscal rules? Or were those rules a smokescreen for your, by which I mean Rachel Reeves’s, political decisions?” Well, you’re wrong to think that. Truth is, the economy has improved just enough to stop freezing pensioners, but not enough to avoid pushing kids into poverty or shafting the disabled. On to your questions…

Dear Keir, I was recently promoted to lead my organisation (once prominent, now a shambles). Turning things around would be a Herculean task for anyone, but I’m having a particularly torrid time.

Critics say I’m the worst possible leader, citing my “repellent views” and “off-putting personality”. This makes no sense, given how brilliant I am. Is everyone else stupid? Kemi, Saffron Walden

Hi Kemi. Have you heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect? Don’t worry, it’s not related to that bloke with the melty face and knives for fingers. No, it’s a cognitive bias wherein less competent people overestimate their abilities. You clearly regard yourself as a political heavyweight. Is it possible you’re actually a weirdo who spends her time slagging off sandwiches and beefing with Doctor Who?

For your sake and the sake of those around you, I advise you to quit. Then again, if you’re the Kemi I’m thinking of, I’d rather you didn’t. You make my job much easier.

Dear Keir, for the last few years, I’ve been researching a number of important issues, including flat Earth, Pizzagate and the scamdemic. Friends and family oppose this vital work, calling me a “conspiracy theorist” and cutting off contact. Via messages hidden in episodes of Family Guy, I have determined that you are the only world leader who isn’t a reptilian. How can I expose the Cabal and win my loved ones back? Miles, Clitheroe

Miles, I’m glad you got in touch.

You’ve clearly gone down a rabbit hole, which worries me.

Disinformation, after all, is a plague on our democracy.

And I should know, as the subject of several conspiracy theories.

Demented stuff, like me scheming with Morgan McSweeney to undermine Corbyn and lie my way into the leadership.

Worse still, the idea I’m somehow corrupt because millionaire donors buy dresses for my wife.

Absolute codswallop!

Such allegations are no less ludicrous than a belief in QAnon or Nessie.

Anyway, you should do what you can to be less insane.

Try getting out more.

Open your mind to respectable mainstream sources.

Outlets that give you the unvarnished truth, like the BBC or the Labour party X account.

Look, I may not be a psychiatrist, but I know a thing or two about being normal.

My advice is to stop seeking connections where there are none.

Anything becomes a pattern if you stare at it long enough.

Keep telling yourself that these messages aren’t real.

Except maybe they are.

Read this answer again, focussing on the first letter of each sentence...

Dear Keir, I’m having issues with one of my colleagues at the salon. This girl acts like we’re bezzies, but she hides my clippers and chats shit about me to the manager. How do you deal with frenemies? Lauren, Hexham

Hi Lauren, thanks for introducing me to that delightful portmanteau. Thinking about it, I have a “frenemy” of my own. Let’s call her Andrea. Without getting too specific, she’s a big personality, with a shock of red hair and overwhelming trade union support. Plus, she’s properly working class . I may have grown up in a pebble-dash semi, but; next to her I look like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

While Andrea’s nice to my face, it’s different behind my back. She calls me “Straight C-3PO”, “John Major without the big dick energy”, that sort of thing. Sometimes I worry she’s after my job (which she categorically denies). She acts like an angel, but a smart leader would rein her in.

I’ll be honest, Lauren , Lauren: I don’t know what to do about your frenemy. But I know what not to do, which is sack her following a byelection, then panic and give her several more jobs. Trust me, you’ll live to regret it.

And that’s your lot! Until next time, stay sober, stay sombre, stay Keir!

Keir xxx

*As told to Lucien Young