Dear Keir: don’t do anything rash, like slagging off your mate on Truth Social

Hullo Britain. I know that many of you have been shaken by the events of the past fortnight. Yes, for two whole weeks Dear Keir was absent from the pages of The Observer. This resulted in widespread panic, existential dread and stock market chaos. I apologise for denying readers their Starmer wisdom. In my defence, I was busy with events in the Middle East.

As you may have seen, Israel and the US are liberating the brave Iranian people by blowing up their schools, hospitals and homes. This has opened a Pandora’s box of crises, so I am keen to return to our questions. Hopefully, they will serve as a distraction...

Dear Keir, but not that dear anymore – Cowerin’ Keir, we call him. I’ve got a big problem. YUGE. There’s this Brit I thought was a Great Ally because he always kissed my Ass and did everything I said. “Sir, you’re the smartest leader the Free World’s ever had.” “Sir, I wish my hair was as thick and lustrous as yours.” “Sir, if you were a toolmaker, you’d make tools even better than my dad.” Turns out the guy’s a total LOSER. When I launched my very successful WAR ON IRAN – which is getting Tremendous Reviews – he wouldn’t let me use his bases. Watch out, Sissy Starmer! You’re now as dead to me as Mike Pence, or that daughter who isn’t Ivanka.

Donald, Washington, DC

Hi Donald. Reading between the lines, you’re asking how to deal with a perceived betrayal by a close friend. In such instances it’s important to maintain perspective. Even if your friend behaved badly, this must be weighed against other considerations. How does the guy usually behave? Has he, for instance, granted you a historically unprecedented second state visit? Or picked up a bunch of papers you dropped? Or listened for three hours without interruption as you described your plans regarding the White House ballroom? If so, you might consider letting the infraction slide.

I’d certainly advise against doing anything rash, like slagging your mate off on Truth Social or slapping a 200% tariff on British steel. It sounds as though you two have a special relationship, and special relationships shouldn’t be tossed aside at the first sign of trouble. So please, give this Limey a second chance. Please.

Dear Keir, not long ago, I became leader of a minor political party. Since then, we’ve tripled our membership and gone from strength to strength (shout out Hannah Spencer MP). People are calling me – a mere London assembly member – the figurehead of the British left. Obviously I wouldn’t ask you about inspiring followers or being leftwing, but can you give any advice on handling the pressures of leadership?

Zack, Hackney

Listen here, you jumped-up luvvie: you don’t have to worry about leadership, because you’ll never come close to power. So what if the Greens are two points ahead of Labour in the latest YouGov poll? Come the next election, voters will realise that you’re a deranged sectarian who wants to pimp the nation’s daughters and get its sons addicted to smack. Also, the only thing you love more than Putin is making ladies’ chests bigger with your mind. Why don’t you go back to swinging your pocket watch and leave politics to the big boys? Oh, and stop saying I’m “rattled”, because I’m not.

Sorry readers, that got a bit heated. I suppose this week’s questions weren’t the escape I had hoped for. Plus, people are complaining – yet again – about my decision to appoint Peter Mandelson as US ambassador. Let me set the record straight for the umpteenth time. Did I know Peter was close friends with the Jimmy Savile of high finance? I had no idea they were uber, mega, super-duper close friends. When I learned that Peter had stayed at Epstein’s house while the financier was in prison for child sex offences, it certainly raised an eyebrow. But I put my best guys on it – Mandelson-mentee, Morgan McSweeney, and Mandelson-mate Matthew Doyle. They decided there was no fire, despite all the smoke. Due process was followed, so everyone should stop questioning my judgment.

Yours blamelessly, ,

Keir xxx